top of page
Search

Trump to ruin Ryder Cup by attending it

ree

US president Donald Trump says he will be ruining the famous US versus European golf tournament by showing up to it in September. "Security will clear all the other spectators off the course while I am there, because I'm more important than them," bragged Trump. "They will also deport all the European players back to El Salvador, or wherever they come from.


"It'll just be me shouting 'Get in the hole,' while our invincible American heroes play their shots, and all the cameras will be on me because of the noise I'm making."


Donald Trump has also been telling the Ryder Cup selectors who should play in the US team and who should captain it. "People are saying I should be the team coach," he lied. "They're saying I could do wonders for the Ryder Cup players by teaching how to kick their balls out of the rough, toss them out of bunkers, and knock their contestants' balls off the green.


"I'll also be buying the course the Ryder Cup is played on using a stache of dirty money I'd hidden away from the taxman. Then I'll expel all the match marshals, so our great American sportsmen will be able to do what the hell they like.

"It will totally ruin the 2025 Ryder Cup, and kill the tournament for ever afterwards, but you have to get used to that kind of thing while I'm alive.


"Go Team USA!"




Trump resigns over Ed Davey snub

ree

The President has cut short his second term, all because the Lib Dems were a bit mean. The US has been plunged into a constitutional crisis because the mighty Ed Davey has said he will not attend a dinner with Mr. Trump – although it is not clear if he was invited in the first place.


Said a Lib Dem aide: ‘Sir Ed had been careful to choose the right moment to fight back against Trump’s Gaza policy. He could have made a speech or voted in protest but oh no – that would have been too easy! Instead he carefully bided his time by dicking around a space hopper for six months and then refused to eat his pudding. Nelson Mandela would be proud.’


Trump is said to be shell-shocked as no one had said no to him - ever (other than half of the electorate). When the US Ambassador was asked if Ed Davey had shaken America to its core, he replied: ‘Who?’



Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

ree

United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



bottom of page