Krypton Factor super-children ‘bit of a disappointment’

It was one of the most-watched TV programmes from the late 70s to the mid 90s. Super-fit brainiacs ran an assault course, sat IQ tests and were tested on their powers of observation. Male and female finalists were then matched in a secret breeding process modelled on the Nazi ‘Lebensborn’ programme which produced that one from Abba you didn’t fancy.

‘We had high hopes for the Krypton Kids’, a spokesman told us. ‘Fit, intelligent, observant – the three qualities you need in a master race. The mistake the Nazis made was focusing too much on appearance. As long as they were white we didn’t care’.

The first products of the breeding programme are now in their forties, but have yet to discover cold fusion or form one quarter of a global superband. Where did the programme go wrong?

‘We were too picky, we should have had thousands of couples, tens of thousands’, the spokesman said. ‘Also, the ability to remember a number plate from a brief video might not have been the superpower we thought it was.’

Critics have generally been somewhat negative about eugenics-based breeding programmes, though Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘quite interested’ in a large-scale reboot.

Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash

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TV gang bosses will definitely have quirky hobbies, writers confirm

The nasty head of a criminal gang in a 6 part TV drama is inevitably going to have an unusual and quirky pastime that you wouldn't expect him to have at all, scriptwriters have confirmed. 

The evil gangland boss, responsible for importing billions of pounds and drugs and causing misery and death across inner cities through a complex network of dealers, enforcers and hitmen, will invariably enjoy pruning roses in his garden, playing indoor bowls in his village hall, or clumsily trying to learn a new foreign language on Duolingo. 

'Us mafia and gang bosses may all look really, really hard, but actually we're just like you', said Mike 'Fingers' McBride, of a well-known Manchester drugs cartel.

 'There's nothing I like more of an evening than reading a bit of Tennyson, and going on my PC to build a new playroom in the made-up house I've constructed on The Sims 4. That's after I've ripped a few toes off some low life snitch with a pair of pliers. Got to get the day job done first, of course.'

'Times are changing, and we have to change with them', admitted veteran crime drama scriptwriter Daisy McDaid. 'Viewers want to see a nicely rounded drug baron. Going forward, all crime dramas will be expected to give at least 20% of screen time to the development of your gang leader's soft skills and hobbies. Trips to see Les Mis at the theatre, doing jigsaws at home, collecting those little ornaments you see advertised in the Radio Times, that kind of stuff'. 

'The exception will be Vera', continued McDaid.  'Here, all gangland bosses will continue to be unreformed hard bastards who drink a lot of whisky, usually played by that really sinister looking old guy, whose accent you can't quite pin down, but is probably Scottish.'  

Picture credit: Wix AI