GB News only to cover British weather

Britain's newest TV news channel, GB News, has announced that it will only be covering British weather, adding those seeking to find out what's happening on the Costas will have to look elsewhere.

A channel spokesman said: 'Why would anyone want to go abroad when there are sometimes as many as two days a year when our weather comes vaguely close to that of Marbella and all those other so-called holiday hot spots?'

'Britain's got it all here on our doorstep. Rain, hail, wind, fog and mist; with the mercury often rising as high as 9 degrees Celsius in July and August. Add our shabby seaside resorts into the heady mix, with games arcades and mutant flocks of dive-bombing seagulls nicking greasy fish and chips and burgers left right and centre, then what more could anyone want?'

'We won't glamourise European holiday destinations. Why give your hard-earned cash to the Spanish, Portuguese, Greeks or other foreigners? GB News says spend it here and keep our grim, tawdry and rundown resorts flourishing, and in the state of grubby squalour that makes us the talk of the world.'

'So if you want to know what the weather's doing in foreign climes, then you should watch an actual real TV station... err... no... wait a minute... can you cut that bit please?

GB News breaks World Record for use of word 'Woke'

Guinness were delighted to announce that the first evening of GB News has been awarded a world record for uses of the word "woke" in an hour.

Starting at 8pm with a monologue about their pride to be British from GB News Head Andrew Neil, filmed on a camera-phone from his house in France, the channel promised to rail against the woke agenda; giving the first of over 1100 uses of the key phrase.

Promising a voice for the voiceless, the centrepiece of the first show presented by former TalkRadio drivetime host Dan Wootton was an interview with 35-time Question Time guest Nigel Farage, which was replaced mid-way through by a pizza advert when viewers made it clear they desired something cheesy that irritated their stomach; but the former Brexit Party leader was a step too far.

Despite a series of technical issues on the first night, A GB News spokesperson was confident these teething troubles would abate in time, saying in a statement, "We're delighted to have been given our first award in only our second day of broadcasting. As a Great British news channel, we hope to set many more records over the coming days. We already have our eyes on the record for most utterances of 'I'm not racist but…' and the big one set originally by TV-am for most viewers lost in the first week of broadcasting."