In a bold move following the sacking of controversial politician Peter Mandelson, the UK has decided to court further controversy by appointing Russell Brand as UK Ambassador to the US.
A spokesman told us that all the appropriate checks had been made and that Brand had assured them that there were no skeletons in his closet. In fact, the appointment was seen by the UK Government as quite the coup as they see him having a number of the same interests as President Trump as well as similar public health concerns as US Health Secretary, Robert F Kennedy.
"I am beyond delighted that such a proud and engorged bestowment has materialised when old Russ though his number was up!" said Brand in a press conference this morning. He continued, "I am very much looking forward to getting down to it with Donny and the lads. I'm sure we'll have a right old tear up down in Marry Lago, or whatever it's called, and no mistaking." His gaze was then distracted by US Press Secretary, Katherine Leavitt, making the rest of the press conference a somewhat uncomfortable experience.
Mr Brand will be taking up the "posty-wost" with immediate effect.
image from google Gemini
The UK tested a new early warning system designed to remind people to sell their shares, the moment the Chancellor has a new idea. All phones will issue a high pitched squeak, like your bum on parquet flooring, as markets crash and pensions evaporate.
Other sounds will be used for the Cabinet; Wes Streeting an ice cream truck, David Lammy a slow trumpet wah wah and Liz Kendall the cackle of the Wicked Witch. Some will be more abstract, as Yvette Cooper opted for the sound migrants drowning.
Any announcement by Keir Starmer will be marked by a long embarrassing silence, followed by one polite cough and the sound of tumble weed. Any policy linked to Gaza will be accompanied by the sound of hands wringing, pearls clutching and fake liberal tears. But with no discernible impact.
mage from pixabay