Make it all about TikTok, all the time, say news bosses

'There's a war in Ukraine, a ceasefire in the Middle East which could go either way, and the UK economy - which had been anaemic - is now flat-lining,' said a typewriter-thrower from the Society of Editors, 'but we are telling our journalists to make it all about TikTok, all the sodding time.

'There are parents, me included, who'd dearly like to give TikTok a fatal punch up the bracket for warping our kids' minds,' continued the typewriter chucker. 'But we are doing these minute-by-minute updates wondering what Trump thinks about TikTok, how the guy who runs it is attending his inauguration dinner, and whether this moronic thing in cyberspace with dance moves and episodes of Skibidi Toilet might survive in the US after all.

'We realise that this news story will both mystify and irritate anyone over the age of 55 and make them rather look forward to their deaths.

'But so does all the rest of news we're putting out. There's really no hope for throwbacks like that.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Russian peace deal demands Zelensky wear a suit

The war in Ukraine is set to rumble on as a diplomatic solution, hinged on President Zelensky knowing how to put on a tie. While relinquishing Ukrainian territory is seen as unreasonable, asking Zelensky to find an ironed shirt is a clear red line.

One Russian General complained: 'Zelensky has treated the entire campaign as dress-down Friday. Combat trousers and t-shirts, every f$ckin day! He dresses like he is still in college. No serious politician gets his wardrobe from Andriy's Army Surplus.'

Ukraine has made a counteroffer that Zelensky would wear his 'birthday suit' if the Russians also went naked. Said an aide: 'That way we all get to go commando.'

Photo by Alex Fedorenko on Unsplash

Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

Image: stux | Pixabay

First published 29 Nov 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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