An advocate for a second referendum explained: 'I hear a lot of negativity about Nuclear winters, but who doesn't like to snuggle up, with a nice matching sweater from John Lewis? This is an opportunity to reject Brexit - after all, you can't leave Europe if there is no Europe to leave.
'We need to support the Ukraine and their affordable au pairs. Nuclear holocaust is backed by 48% of the public, which from my perspective, is a stonking majority'.
Martin Clark has confirmed that he would resist any invasion of the UK as bravely as the citizens of the Ukraine.
Nobody outside of the Kremlin has failed to be moved by the defence mounted by Ukrainian troops and ordinary citizens, and after watching TV news on mute in his local Wetherspoons, Clark issued a statement to his fellow drinkers that he “would like to see Putin try that around here”.
He cited his weeks camping as a child, the time in got into a brawl with a bouncer and voting to leave the European Union as proof that he could lead a resistance.
When challenged that he had no military experience or knowledge of military tactics, Clark pulled a battered copy of an Andy McNabb book from his rucksack and waved it in Dave Thompson’s face saying: “I’ve read this 13 times, thank you very much.”
Despite not being alive during World War Two, Clark referenced the Blitz 13 times during the evening, he also mentioned the “snowflake generation” nine times and the Queen five times, which he seemed to think were conclusive arguments.
When asked why he hadn’t travelled to Ukraine to fight alongside the local people fighting back, Clark pretended not to hear, quickly finished his pint and went for a kebab.
Following calls for decisive action, the international governing body of world football has expressed its disapproval of Leeds United’s decision to dismiss their manager Marcelo Bielsa in the strongest possible terms. In a powerful statement designed to strike fear into the owners, FIFA have threatened to ban the use of LUFC flags and the singing of their anthem ‘Marching On Together’ in the Elland Road stadium.
In a wide-ranging series of accompanying world-shattering announcements that demonstrate their profound knowledge and trustworthy custodianship of the game, FIFA has also questioned the appointment of Roy Hodgson as Watford boss, suggested that Mo Salah should get his hair cut and praised West Ham’s Kurt Zouma for kicking a cat.
