Martin Clark has confirmed that he would resist any invasion of the UK as bravely as the citizens of the Ukraine.
Nobody outside of the Kremlin has failed to be moved by the defence mounted by Ukrainian troops and ordinary citizens, and after watching TV news on mute in his local Wetherspoons, Clark issued a statement to his fellow drinkers that he “would like to see Putin try that around here”.
He cited his weeks camping as a child, the time in got into a brawl with a bouncer and voting to leave the European Union as proof that he could lead a resistance.
When challenged that he had no military experience or knowledge of military tactics, Clark pulled a battered copy of an Andy McNabb book from his rucksack and waved it in Dave Thompson’s face saying: “I’ve read this 13 times, thank you very much.”
Despite not being alive during World War Two, Clark referenced the Blitz 13 times during the evening, he also mentioned the “snowflake generation” nine times and the Queen five times, which he seemed to think were conclusive arguments.
When asked why he hadn’t travelled to Ukraine to fight alongside the local people fighting back, Clark pretended not to hear, quickly finished his pint and went for a kebab.