Those Reform policies in full

With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.

1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.

In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: from the NB archive

Attrition Parade, Red Square, 2026

The end of the world is on hold while markets are so volatile

The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule.

'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come.  the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly.

'But then, just as I was honing my blade on the stone of death he backs off and starts playing golf and planning a ballroom as if nothing had happened.  The four horsemen have wised me up.  Apparently they play the market - Armageddon is such an infrequent occurrence and, well, they get bored so they dabble a bit.  They noticed a pattern with their services being called for and some dodgy moves on the futures markets.  Now if anyone knows about futures, it's these guys.

'So, while Trump has been making a fortune for himself and his buddies the four horsemen have been making a literal killing.  Not their preferred type of killing, agreed, but they just can't help themselves,' said the Grim Reaper today.

'Sorry guys, if it's the end of the world you wanted then you're going to have to get rid of Trump.  Impeach him, lock him up, do something.  Don't look to me to do anything, I've got fifty quid on him taking the world to the edge and back again next Wednesday.'