War | NewsBiscuit

Trump hands Putin a win-win

21 hours ago

Donald Trump’s desperate deal to get diesel prices down is a dismal disaster. Vladimir Putin can hardly believe his luck.

Donald’s deal is to buy diesel from Russia, to bring down prices in the US and to save the Republicans from mid-term election wipe-out. This is good news for Vlad, as he gets to sell fuel to fund his war machine and because it makes Trump look like a loser. Even better, Donald’s deal hasn’t even touched the price of diesel, which is still going up. This means that Vlad gets a nice high price for the fuel.

Behind the scenes, Putin is turning the screw. ‘As you and your so-called allies have been taking the shadow fleet out of service, you’ll have to come and get the oil. Send as many ships as you like. We’ve got lots of diesel.

‘We could maybe speed things up for you in return for, say, Greenland, and cutting Cuba some slack. And maybe stop helping Ukraine. And it wouldn’t cost you anything to tell Europe to eff off again, now would it? And you could quietly ease off the sanctions too, perhaps?

‘And maybe we could help you to fix your mid-term elections properly, like we do in Russia. You don’t know what you’re doing, Donald. It’s sad and pathetic.

‘Anyway, how much diesel would you like to buy today?’

image from Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Moon War 1

sketchly

Oct 3

AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Scribbles

Sep 13

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

Back to Top