Approaching the Donetsk Oblast

Sunak to focus military spending on Culture Wars

Rishi Sunak will re-focus defence spending away from the expensive military hardware of actual wars and into the keyboard warriors fighting the Culture Wars to win the next election.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘Rishi is a modern Tory. His dream is to use public money to weaponize the comments section of the right-wing tabloids. If there’s a way to dunk on transgender people, obviously we’ll do that too. We’ve no money for warplanes to help Ukraine, because universities are too woke maybe? Why do Labour want the Russians to win? They don’t, but it’s still a red flag.’

Carruthers tapped her nose, then beamed ‘The Conservatives are bringing back the death penalty but mainly for black people in police custody. They don’t have to be guilty. It’s not so much a national scandal as a policy goal.’

www.newsbiscuit.com

Save Big Dog! Declare War!

With the Cabinet Room table creaking under the weight of dead cats and empty wine bottles, Boris Johnson has decided to have a nice little war to save his skin and take the heat off the upcoming investigation by the Parliamentary Standards Committee. It's a well-known alternative fact that the UK cannot change PM during a war, even though it has several times. The war itself will be a nice, easily winnable, TV friendly war fought against a small third world country selected at random – bad luck Benin.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘The war in Ukraine is at arm’s length. We need to get stuck in ourselves and cause unnecessary pain, suffering and death until Boris is somehow in the clear and his approval ratings are high enough to win the next election. Bozza will have blood on his hands – again – but this time most of it will be from foreigners with dark skin, which actually appeals to the Tory base.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘I think I'm still drunk from last night, who did we declare war on? Well, at least any fleeing asylum seekers being sent directly to Rwanda won’t have as far to go, which is environmentally friendly. And the UK invading an African country for no reason is very much on-brand. BoJo has always had the air of a cruel provincial governor in the age of the Raj. As we’re invading somewhere, best to let the British Museum know too – those displays don’t fill themselves.'