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What do you mean, you’ve had enough of the horrendous, sickening news?



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'And as the conflict in Israel and Gaza enters its fourth week, we now bring you pictures of the carnage caused by an Israeli airstrike. And we can tell you that they're even more distressing than anything we’ve shown you before...


'Why are you turning off your television?


'Good, we’ve got you on the radio. These are the sounds from inside a hospital in Gaza City of grief-stricken mothers and fathers, wailing pitifully…


'Why are you hitting your radio with an axe? That’s not going to stop the war, is it?


'I see you’ve locked yourselves in the bathroom and are watching a video of an adorable puppy chasing its tail. We’re going to interrupt that to play you interviews with a Hamas leader and an Israeli politician, in which both try to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians…


'No, don’t throw your device down the toilet. We forbid you to do that!


'And don’t light a bonfire with those newspapers before you've read them. Don’t you know how much trouble we take to bring all the horrifying details of this war right to your doorstep?


'We’ll stop at nothing, you know. We’ll hire town criers to shout this stuff at you in the streets.


'That's because reporting this atrocious conflict has made us all clinically depressed, so we’re damned well going to make sure that all of you are clinically depressed, as well.'




First published 30 Oct 2023


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Trump declares war on death


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In a statement live from the White House, President Trump has declared war on his own mortality.


The declaration came as a surprise to officials, as the announcement was supposed to be a major pivot from Make America Great Again to Made America Great Again. But due to wayward deviations and a previously unsurpassed display of meaningless rambling, a declaration of war became the key takeaway.


All Americans over six years of age are to be conscripted to fight this great war, which must be won, and won quickly. It is unclear what the strategy will be, or what weapons will be deployed, but it will be the largest military undertaking since Operation Spearhead to locate his favourite hat.


American intelligence agencies have been tasked with finding out precisely what it is that can be used to kill death. Senior Generals have been placed on high alert, although there has been confusion as to what they should be alert for.


'Maybe some sort of intense Situation Room scenario?' offered Major General Randy Manner. 'And if it's anything like last time, orders from the Commander in Chief to bomb death with everything we've got.'



Image credit: perchance.org

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