3,000 ‘Peacekeepers’ to hide in birthday cake

The EU/UK insisted that their Ukrainian ‘peacekeeping’ force was not an army, but merely a rambling group of birdwatchers on the Russian border. Putin, on the other hand, was not convinced that they were harmless, noticing 3,000 binoculars abruptly swivel towards Moscow. Said one of his generals, ‘Hiding thousands of soldiers in one enormous trench coat is shifty. Insisting their name is ‘Mr Jenkins’, while standing on each other’s shoulders, is downright alarming.’

The EU/UK denied this was a NATO force, despite everyone wearing NATO uniforms, with ‘made in America’ badges. A Brussels spokeswoman confirmed, ‘This is an innocent wedding party – with one bride, one groom, 2,998 suspiciously well-drilled ushers.’

‘There is nothing to see here,’ said one British trooper from behind a very small bush - as his regiment simultaneously ducked down beside him. ‘We’re preparing a children’s birthday party. It just so happens that all 3,000 of us have independently decided to come disguised as the same clown.’

1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any. Said one citizen as he rolled up his sleeves, 'I've no interest in fighting a Russian who I've never met, but there'll be a sizeable queue to wipe that smarmy expression off Streeting's spoon-faced bonce.'

The trouble is we now have 1,000 days of anticipation and so much good reason to knock his block off. One colleague advised, 'Try to memorize the periodic table backwards, forwards, and in alphabetical order by sound. Once you've mastered that, try reciting it while doing the Macarena. Even if that doesn't kill time, you'll be thoroughly confused by the end of it.'

Streeting is not the first Minister to volunteer for a beating, ex-PM Keir Starmer famously punched himself in the face with every policy announcement. Moscow is yet to comment on the new strategy, but it is understood Putin is willing to surrender the Ukraine just to stop Streeting's nasal whine. Readers can purchase a bespoke 1,000 calendar, which instead of ending with Xmas, ends with Boxing Day.

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Reform now promotes equal opportunities corruption

Reform UK has thrown it's weight behind equal opportunities in the corruption, lobbying and bungs sector, following revelations that it has taken donations from an associate of the leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

'While we may previously have described the ayatollahs as Muslim madmen who are greater dangers to the UK than Russia' said a party spokesperson Ronald Garage, 'it now turns out they could be greater donors than Russia, too.'

'So let's put an end to this nonsense that we're prejudiced. We don't care about the colour of your skin, only the colour of your money. As long as you don't want to come and actually live here of course.'

Sources suggest the party is preparing to go even further into the Axis of Evil to prove it's openness to working people from all corners of the world, with a waterskiing holiday with Kim Jong Un pencilled in. 'Yes he spouts a load of lefty claptrap' said Mr Garage, 'but underneath all that talk, Mr Wrong Un is just a regular guy who likes living in luxury while keeping the plebs onside with scary stories about foreigners. We can definitely do business.'

Image: WixAI