The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government.
"Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries.
"Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in two years' time. That's our style! With us, he could have said 300 years. It would take us that long to load a musket.
"Keir is the perfect sloth leader, happy to do nothing more dynamic in his life than to read official papers very deliberately and hold everlasting meetings at which damn all is decided.
"His talent for total inaction is wasted on the citizens of the UK and it's only a matter of time before he sees sense and joins us here at our Amazonian Jungle branch, 100 feet above the ground in Mato Grosso."
Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology.
Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces.
One unnamed Russian soldier said “its really frustrating trying to invade, when the voice of Nigel Havers is trying to give you directions to Sebastopol in South Wales”, he went on and claimed that they have been directed to Severrnside Industrial estate outside Bristol instead of Sieverodonetsk, Dundee instead of the Donbas region and Keighley instead of Kyiv.
First published 31 May 2022
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