UK train companies suspend all services after Russia's drone strike targeting Boris in Ukraine

'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris.

'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer, Liz Truss, Theresa May or Harold MacMillan. Yep, the sleeper service carrying him from King's Cross to Inverness has still not arrived.

'Rail staff will be kept on full pay and high alert, playing cards in the canteen, until we have competed this exhaustive analysis and decided to get back to work again. There will be no refunds on tickets for cancelled services. 

'As you probably noticed, we don't actually like running trains and incidents this like give us a perfect pretext not to bother.' 

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Meanwhile, in Moscow ...

Frida and Agnetha avatars go rogue at ABBA Voyage in latest worrying AI malfunction

In the latest episode of AI going rogue, during last night's performance of ABBA Voyage at the London Arena avatars of Frida and Agnetha suddenly jumped off the stage, but not before delivering a salvo of invective and lewd behaviour to the audience.

One shocked couple, superfans Amanda and Bob, who had traveled from Chorley as a special wedding anniversary present to one another spoke to the BBC.

'We were just settling into the show when there was a flash of light and billowing smoke. Next thing Frida's hologram started yelling at us all. It was awful. Not what you'd expect at all. "Eff this, eff that, eff the sodding lot of you," said a clearly still shaken Amanda. 'That's right, it was terrible and then Agnetha mooned the front row, before the pair of them jumped off the stage, ran up the aisle and out of the arena. The show was then cancelled. We were gutted,' added a forlorn Bob.

Police are keeping an open mind on the matter but haven't ruled out the possibility of Russian hackers being behind the incident and Andy Burnham will be kept abreast of any further developments.

Meanwhile, reports that the girls have now been joined by Benny and Bjorn's holograms in a nearby Indian restaurant remain yet unconfirmed. But one credible source close to the production has suggested before agreeing to appear in tonight's scheduled performance all four are demanding free Chicken Tikka in the rider for the rest of the run.  

image from Grok

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