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Russian advance hindered by faulty Sat Nav



Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology.


Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces.


One unnamed Russian soldier said “its really frustrating trying to invade, when the voice of Nigel Havers is trying to give you directions to Sebastopol in South Wales”, he went on and claimed that they have been directed to Severrnside Industrial estate outside Bristol instead of Sieverodonetsk, Dundee instead of the Donbas region and Keighley instead of Kyiv.




First published 31 May 2022


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Russia forced to adopt the Pink Pound


Much to the chagrin of President Putin, the Russian central bank has confirmed that it will be investing its capital reserves in leather trousers, tickets to Vegas and the albums of Kylie Minogue. The purchasing power of the gay community has long been established as much more stable than the heterosexual Rouble. Throughout the 70s Elton John was able to underwrite the entire British economy with just castoff sequins.


Mr Putin blamed outside factors for the falling Rouble; including effete Ukrainians and the US Dorothy dollar. A Kremlin spokesman said: ‘This is just a temporary measure, while the rouble continues to go down like a…like a…er, I can’t think of analogy that doesn’t sound like some form of cottaging. Look, for now, President Putin will just have to bite his pillow - tongue. TONGUE! I meant to say tongue.’



Image from Pixabay by 696188



First published 1 May 2022


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