The Russian Federation has lodged a formal complaint about Ukraine following a series of 'unforgivable' offensive actions by 'rogue Ukrainians', or 'defenders' as they prefer to be called.
'We are supposed to be the aggressors,' said a Russian spokesman. 'But they attack our tanks, our soldiers and now they fly into Russia and attack us. It's so unfair,' he added.
Ukrainian defence experts have acknowledged that they were billed as defenders and as such, should be incrementally losing ground. 'Soz, didn't get the memo,' said one expert. 'Perhaps Russia is misrepresenting our defence for offence. We can clearly state that we are just defending Ukraine and have no interest in attacking Russian locations,' he said, looking at his watch and hauling a missile onto his shoulder. 'Apart from Moscow,' he added.
First published 4 April 2022
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The Foreign Office explained: 'Technically snow has been around a little bit longer than Russia, but we needed a strong optic, to show the Ukraine we care - but not too much.
'Henceforth all snow will be banned from the UK and is to be replaced with grated coconut. All snowmen will be shot as spies. Ironically the chief exporter of coconut is based in Moscow, but its the performative gesture that counts'.
First published 27 Mar 2022
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