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Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu are reported to be holding secret talks about formalising a treaty that will lead to each nation taking on the burden of war-fighting on behalf of the other.



This surprising development has had military analysts scratching their heads to determine why this would be seen as advantageous by both sides. Some facts have become clear.



The Russian war would benefit by having unlimited access to US military technology. The Israeli military have made sophisticated use of microchips, and this applied to Ukraine would give a much-needed edge on the battlefield. Furthermore the missiles that Israel can deploy are world-class, unlike the aged rockets of the Russian army.



In the middle east, the war against Hamas and the wider region would be more effective if waves of human cannon fodder could be thrown in to difficult situations with little chance of survival. Nuclear sabre rattling is expected to have a powerful effect on nations such as Iran and Eygypt. Areas of conquered territory, like Gaza, would be pacified by usual Russian methods. These include the issuing of Russian passports, the set-up of re-education camps for children, and the swamping of the area with anti-Islamic propaganda.



Talks appear to have stalled, however. Sticking points include the future role of the survivors of Ukraine's historic Jewish population, and the potential for Russia to declare part of the eastern Mediterranean Russian sovereign territory.



But the main problem appears to be that Trump does not like the idea, because it would make Putin's success in the war dependent on US support for Israel, and that is one of the things he knows he cannot control.





There were celebrations across Russia last night upon the countries' victory in the third Russiavision Song Contest, their third victory running. 



The contest, sponsored by the Kremlin, prides itself as being much better than the 'biased' and 'hateful' Eurovision Song Contest and is open to anyone who wants to enter (provided of course that they're Russian and straight).



The winning song, 'All Hail President Putin' from Russia, stormed to first place with over 70% of the vote. This left 'We Love You Premier Putin' (also from Russia) and 'Putin is my God' (yep, Russia too) lagging far behind. In last place was the song 'Let's Hold Hands and All Be Friends' by Nikolai Vinogradov, who was apparently last seen being escorted out of the stadium and has since vanished.



A Kremlin spokesman said "we're so proud of our winners, they embody what Russia is all about... showing blind loyalty to our wise and virile President. We look forward to next year's contest, where anything could happen up until the point Russia wins again"



It is hoped by many that this will be the precursor to a successful 2025 Russialympics in the summer, with the entrants hoping to match their victory tally from winter games of 100% gold, 100% silver and 100% bronze.


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