top of page
Vladimir Putin has today declared himself the winner of next month's fair and democratic elections in Russia. There is no Russian phrase for landslide victory as that might diminish Putin's impressive 107% victory. Some are suspicious of this margin as it is precisely the same amount he won by last time.
In an unusual move, several of the candidates standing against Putin have been graciously allowed to remain living. Unfortunately, however, two of them had to be withdrawn from the election as they were found guilty of being unacceptably popular.
Other candidates remaining in the race will continue to provide robust opposition. They have bravely stood up to Putin and have each declared that they are looking forward to their glorious leader's continued reign and their own miraculous acquirements of luxury yachts and subterranean Sochi penthouses.
The widespread dismay of -7% of Russian people will not be reported by independent state owned Russian media.
Demands by the UK’s top brass that we all train for war with Russia, have been greeted with a wave of apathy, normally reserved for cleaning the lint out of your belly button. The nation has raised a two-finger victory salute and then flipped it, was a healthy dollop of FU attached.
General Sir Patrick Sanders, who is yet to diagnosed as insane - but all the signs are there, said that the nation could not afford to make the same mistakes of 1914. Ironically the mistakes we made in 1914 was listening to warmongering buffoons like himself. He talked of a ‘pre-war generation’ implying he was all aroused by the idea of the next war.
The reason we need to enter conflict with Russia seems to be based on the premise that it’s been a jolly long time since the last big war and our Generals are bored. Observed one savvy, coward: ‘Russia already owns most of central London, why would they want to invade the rest? Slough is not that great.’
bottom of page