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Queen Elizabeth II shocked to find anybody in family has a brain



Celebrity quiz champion and The Chase star Anne Hegerty is said to be shocked after discovering she is a distant relative of Queen Elizabeth II. However, the Queen was even more startled than Hegerty to discover that someone connected to the Royal family could have a brain.

Hegerty came across the unlikely Royal connection during preliminary investigations by researchers for ITV's "DNA Journey.' The quiz genius found out she is the 19th cousin of Queen Elizabeth II. It had previously been acknowledged by cognitive psychologists that constant inbreeding and ill-judged spouse selection had led to an intelligence shortfall amongst Royal offspring.


Fortunately, Hegerty is such a distant relative of the Queen that experts think she may have been protected from inheriting the notorious Royal dimwittery. Luckily, she only suffers from Autism and Asperger's syndrome.


Hegerty was said to be underwhelmed by the Royal connection but, on the bright side, said at least it meant she was also related to Eastenders actor Danny Dyer which was a 'bit of a plus'.


Known as The Governess for her school mistress looks, aloof attitude, acid tongue, and ruthless dismissal of underlings, the Queen celebrates her 95th birthday later this month.




First published 6 April 2022


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Williamson to be knighted for services to dipshittery




Arsehole formerly known as defence secretary and education secretary, Gavin Williamson, is to receive a knighthood, for his dedicated service to useless dipshits everywhere, it has emerged.


“When it comes to pure dipshittery, Gavin’s credentials are beyond reproach,” commented Sir Percival Humpreys from the Royal Society of Royalness.


“He was sacked by two Prime Ministers in two years. An impressive feat in itself, made all the more remarkable by the fact that the second Prime Minister is himself a useless melt, incapable of recognising his own birthday party taking place before his very own eyes.


“He does indeed bring a new level of barrel-scraping ineptitude to the honours system.”


A bewildered Williamson is quoted as having said, “as an aspiring dipshit, back studying for A-level results that I forgot I took, I couldn’t of dreamed of receiving such an accolade for being this ball-achingly shite at everything.


“I would like to thank all of countless students whose futures I’ve f*cked up, but I’m sure they will totally understand that my staggering incompetence was just a stepping stone for me to get to this point at their expense. Classic dipshitting.


When asked for comment from the Palace, there are unconfirmed reports that the Queen said, “get that dipshit, Andrew to do it.”


Author: fward




First published 5 Mar 2022


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Secret film emerges of Prince Charles rehearsing Coronation ceremony




Video, taken from a hidden camera on the Prince of Wales’s Highgrove estate, has emerged, seemingly showing the heir to the throne taking part in a mock Coronation ceremony.


He is surrounded by flunkeys wearing masks of the world leaders, and one wearing what appears to be a tea cosy on his head playing the Archbishop of Canterbury.


While Charles regally processes up and down the garden path, Camilla can be seen practising a Royal wave or two.


A spokeslackey commented, “His Royal Highness feels with covid rampant, and the very, very elderly still vulnerable, he needs to be prepared for any and every eventuality. Mind you; he has been doing this every week for the past twenty years now.”



First published 21 Dec 2021


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