The Conservatives annual summer fundraiser party at the Victoria and Albert Museum has raised enough money to see through the abolishment of the monarchy.
Held on Monday evening, the night before the beginning of national transport strikes, some were deeply concerned that the Private Jet and Helicopter Pilots Union might stage a walkout. Fortunately, a shortage of parachutes due to a combination of severe austerity and a sharp spike in corporate bosses receiving leaving contract bonus payouts, meant that high altitude walkouts were abandoned.
A party - in both relevant senses of the word - insider confirmed, 'VIP lanes were once more opened up, and a surprising amount of money was raised. That despite Nadine Dorries offering to auction herself off. However, Jacob Rees-Mogg offered personal notes written in the blood of British orphans indicating exactly where to park offshore funds to avoid UK tax, and that was quite the donation spinner.
'In fact, so much money was raised that the Queen can now be let go. Ironically that means that her face will have to be removed from the banknotes we'll use to pay her off. You'd better get used to seeing the pretty visage of "King Boris Johnson" on your money from now on. We made enough to install him permanently.'