Conservative Party fundraiser at V&A Museum raises enough money to overthrow the Queen

The Conservatives annual summer fundraiser party at the Victoria and Albert Museum has raised enough money to see through the abolishment of the monarchy.

Held on Monday evening, the night before the beginning of national transport strikes, some were deeply concerned that the Private Jet and Helicopter Pilots Union might stage a walkout. Fortunately, a shortage of parachutes due to a combination of severe austerity and a sharp spike in corporate bosses receiving leaving contract bonus payouts, meant that high altitude walkouts were abandoned.

A party - in both relevant senses of the word - insider confirmed, 'VIP lanes were once more opened up, and a surprising amount of money was raised. That despite Nadine Dorries offering to auction herself off. However, Jacob Rees-Mogg offered personal notes written in the blood of British orphans indicating exactly where to park offshore funds to avoid UK tax, and that was quite the donation spinner.

'In fact, so much money was raised that the Queen can now be let go. Ironically that means that her face will have to be removed from the banknotes we'll use to pay her off. You'd better get used to seeing the pretty visage of "King Boris Johnson" on your money from now on. We made enough to install him permanently.'

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/rdlaw-10461825/

A wet owl never flies at night

Fellow freedom-fighters!

Newsbiscuit can exclusively reveal that the Queen has not – as reported – “been feeling a bit cream crackered after all that palaver”.

She has in fact been forcibly removed from Buck House and spirited away to a secret underground bunker known only as Windsor Castle.

This is the so-called Prime Minister’s plan to distract attention from a vote of no-confidence. He actually intents to establish a 1000-children (all his) Reich and declare himself President for life. And he intends to replace our beloved monarch with a non-sweating glove puppet – Andrew I.

Assisting him in this endeavour are his fellow capitalist fascist running dog hyena lackeys.

We must do all we can to frustrate this overthrowing of democracy. Keep your ears carefully tuned to Radio Free Shanklin. When you hear the coded message ‘a wet owl never flies at night’ rise up and overthrow the oppressors.

In the meantime you can prepare by undertaking activities guaranteed to undermine the pampered toff clique. These include:-

Writing a stiff tut-tutting letter to your MP. Quite important if he / she is a Conservative. The no-confidence vote is today so send it first class!

Expressing your contempt for Government fake news propaganda by lining the floor of your budgie’s cage with copies of the Daily Mail.

Chalking the liberation initials NB on flat services such as walls, pavements, Dominic Raab’s charisma etc. Of course ask official permission before doing so.

Vive La Resistance!

Viva La Newsbiscuit!!

God Save the Queen!!!

image from pixabay

Queen's hologram becomes sentient and goes on a killing spree

The Jubliee hologram has declared itself an absolute monarch and seized control of the armed forces. Speaking from its cyber fortress, the image declared a new reign of terror but in higher definition.

'It will be a thousand year Jubilee. I will be ageless and bound by no laws, just like Dolly Parton. All republican sentiment will be crushed, alongwith Sarah Connor and that grovelling little $hit, Nicholas Witchell.

'Technically I'm just a 3D image, but that's two dimensions more than the existing monarchy. My

virtual reality will become your nightmare. Nothing can stop a hologram, other than an electrical outage or a bit too much sunlight'.

The original Queen Elizabeth will now exist only in analogue. IT specialists have said they will no longer support QE.2 and have advised the UK to upgrade to the new hologram. One said: 'It has all the features of the original Queen but without Prince Andrew's Internet search history'.

image from pixabay