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Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony

Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony, say engineers


The weight of military medals, ceremonial paraphernalia and assorted pearl necklaces could have caused serious structural damage to the balcony at Buckingham Palace warn engineers.


Workers tasked with restoring the Palace say they have came across cracks and crumbling infrastructure that have left the balcony in a dangerous condition.


‘The type of damage we found on site is typically associated with excessive weight and impact trauma….the balcony was not built to carry the sort of excessive burden put on it by the current Royal family’ said engineer Jason Beasley ‘the load bearing lintels were designed to carry a modest sized family wearing bonnets and waving silk fans….not rocking a battalion of service medals and military hardware usually seen at a victory day parade in Moscow


Add to that the amount of gold jewellery and pearl necklaces worn by Camilla and it is no wonder the balcony is in danger of collapse’, "The Royals should either take it in turns venturing out on to the balcony to wave at the crowds or scale back on the amount of medals they wear."


‘It all started with the Prince Albert….but thankfully Andrew isn’t allowed on the balcony anymore’.


image from pixabay


Trifle Bowls Horrified At Being Returned To The Back Of The Cupboard



Glass trifle bowls were delighted last month at being retrieved from the darkest recesses of the kitchen and given a good soaping with Fairy Liquid or having the new experience of a go in a dishwasher, this not having been a thing when they were last used in the early 1980s. Freed from spending their time in the dark next to the once used burger press and the pasta machine they took a look about the kitchens they found themselves in and marvelled at the largeness of fridges. What, they asked themselves, is quinoa? And brioche?


The trifle bowls were expecting to be swiftly filled with the contents of a Bird’s Trifle Kit (available in strawberry or raspberry and it takes a very refined palate to tell the difference between the red flavours), with the potential addition of some fruit cocktail if the occasion was fancy. Instead they found themselves filled with lemon Swiss roll, unfamiliar amaretti biscuits, lemon jelly, orange compote (what is a compote? They wondered), real custard, actual whipped cream and white chocolate bark. They were also surprised to be very much the centre of attention, with trifle makers competitively claiming to have spent many hours assembling them (absolutely not necessary with the Bird’s Trifle Kit). This led trifle bowls across the nation to conclude that trifle is back on the menu and to expect to appear every Sunday, like in their glory days.


Then this morning, with the platinum jubilee being over and the trifle-mania ended, the clear pudding containers were horrified at being wiped round with a commemorative tea towel and pushed to the back of the cupboard again. They sighed and felt sure that the existence of the Bird’s Chocolate Trifle Kit had been overlooked by their owners.


image from pixabay


First published 7 June 2022



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Palace reassure public, "Queen booed PM from home"



Buckingham Palace had issued a statement saying that although the Queen had to miss the thanksgiving service for her reign, she was able to watch the service on television and joined in with the booing of Boris Johnson.


"The Queen is somewhat restricted in what official duties she can do", explained a spokesman, "But she's very clear that she can make time to kiss hands with his successor 'anytime'".



First published 5 June 2022



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