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Palace uncertain what to do about cash hidden in Queen's mattress


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Buckingham Palace staff have discovered around £1bn stuffed in a mattress in the Queen's bedchamber. "We always knew she kept a few bob hidden away in there" a footman reported. "But we never knew it was this much. Now we have a dilemma, because it's all in paper notes, which cease to be legal tender at the end of September."


A spokesperson for the Treasury said: "Large amounts of cash is usually indicative of money laundering, which when it comes to light, normally involves vigorous investigation, but since the queen is dead, there seems very little point in pursuing the matter."




First published 20 Sep 2022


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Civil service 'seriously considered' telling Queen that bears defecate in woods


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Senior civil servants 'seriously considered' telling the Queen that bears sh*t in the woods and that the Pope is a Catholic, according to the BBC's Laura Kuennsberg.


Furthermore, says Kuennsberg, they seriously considered telling her that Boris Johnson was behaving in office like a gallivanting elephant out of its head on amphetimines.


'There would have been no other way for Her Majesty to have known how disgracefully irresponsible and chaotic her prime minister was,' continued Kuennsberg.


'Apart from by opening a newspaper, watching the telly, listening to the radio or speaking to any other human being in Britain during the time that Boris was in Downing Street.


'Or by meeting him, I suppose,' added Kuennsberg.


'Two minutes in Johnson's company would have told her everything about this reckless, blundering oaf that she'd ever have needed to know.'



First published 19 Sep 2023


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The 10 stages of grief you must go through to mourn the Queen’s death


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In case you hadn’t heard, Queen Elizabeth has died. Following a bereavement, it’s normal to go through five stages of grief. However, as the Queen was far more important than anyone else, you are required by law to go through at least ten stages of grief:


Denial. News that the most important person in the world has died is hard to believe, especially if you get all your news from Facebook.


Sadness. You must feel overwhelming sadness that someone you never met who didn’t know you existed has died. That’s perfectly rational.


Anger. You will be angry at God for allowing a very old woman who lived a life of extreme privilege to die peacefully surrounded by her family, in a luxurious castle. How could He be so cruel?


Guilt. You must feel guilty that you’re still alive, while someone who was so much better than you has died, you insignificant turd.


Hopelessness. You must feel that you can’t possibly go on with your pathetic life now the Queen has gone. And why should you - what have you ever done to boost UK tourism?


Regret. You must regret that you haven’t lived your life as nobly as the Queen did, who was paid vast amounts of money to live in luxury and travel the world waving at people. So what if you’re a nurse, and raise money for charity in your spare time? You should be ashamed of yourself, you oxygen thief.


Depression. Being constantly bombarded by the media with images of people in mourning will make you feel depressed. Wallow in your depression - taking Prozac is not allowed.


Confusion. Things will change now the Queen has gone, so you’ll feel confused. Rest assured that no matter which monarch is on the money, you won’t have enough to live on, especially now the government needs to fund a state funeral and a coronation.


Bargaining. You must buy as much Queen Elizabeth memorial tat as you can get your dreadfully common hands on. Don’t be tempted to buy cheap items off the market - bargaining over such important artefacts would make your love of the Queen seem less sincere. You should buy the same crap for 20 times the price from the back of TV listings magazines.


Acceptance. While mourning for the Queen, you must accept that there is now a King, who also deserves your unconditional love. Demonstrate your dog-like adoration for him by shouting ‘God save the King’, every time you see his image, and by bulk buying Duchy Original biscuits from Waitrose, even though you can only normally afford to shop at Lidl.


image from pixabay



First published 12 Sep 2022


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