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The queue to pay respects to the Queen became such a spectacle that it attracted people from all over the country. Ron Jenkins has travelled from Clacton and is typical of the visitors;


"We'll never see a queue like this again in our lifetime, so I felt I had to come and see it. Yes, I had to wait 5 hours to catch a glimpse of the queue down the Mall and across Westminster Bridge, but it was worth the wait."


The queue to see the queue is believed to be the second longest queue in recent history. Jeff Hamilton travelled from New Zealand to see it.


"To be honest, the wait to see the queue was really long, especially after 25 hours on a plane, but then I realised that the queue to see the queue was attracting fewer people, so I could see that queue in a couple of hours. Ooh look; there are people waiting to see me queuing."


While the original queue has now closed, the queue to see the queue to see the queue remains open, and it is thought that a UK-wide chain reaction effect will see the final queue in the sequence forming in John O'Groats in 2038.


Hat-tip Sir Lupus




First published 21 Sep 2022


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Leaving detailed plans covering every aspect of her funeral, the Queen has bequeathed her delighted subjects one last surprise by commanding it comprise an elegiac homage to classic sitcom ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. The last monarch ever to sit on a horse sideways will also become the first to have their coffin laboriously shoved up the steps of Westminster Abbey sticking out of a rusty wheelbarrow at an angle described reverentially by David Dimbleby as ‘jaunty’.


Breaking with centuries of royal convention, the crown which traditionally adorns the royal casket has been ditched in favour of a pair of wrinkled stockings, which will end up being inexplicably donned by one of the aged/inebriated/incontinent pallbearers after a laboured ‘wardrobe malfunction’ skit involving oversized tweed trousers, bale string, and a RADA-trained ferret called Mr Pickles.


Watched by millions worldwide, the solemn service will close with the ceremonial skidding of the bathtub containing Her Majesty’s mortal remains into the royal vault beneath Windsor Castle, followed by a lovely spread of Mr Kipling mini Battenbergs and Camp coffee for the dozens of heads of state in bewildered attendance.


‘It shouldn’t really be a surprise,’ said a Palace spokesperson, carrying a bucket of ball bearings into St George’s Chapel. ‘As a lady of a certain generation, the Queen didn’t really take to any comedies written after 1978. We’re just glad we managed to talk her out of an Alf Garnet/Love Thy Neighbour interval double-act- let’s face it, the Duke of Edinburgh’s Black and White Minstrel memorial extravaganza remains pretty 'wake-up-clammy-in-the-dark-watches' unbeatable.’




First published 19 Sep 2022


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'Unfortunately, due to the sudden and quite unexpected passing of her Majesty the Queen, Westminster Abbey is fully booked for the foreseeable,' said a spokesman for the Abbey. 'Sundays are fully booked, obvs, plus there are a myriad of bookings ranging from religious events and secular activities such as a bring and buy next week and an inner-city car boot sale in October.


'Spoons down the road might be able to help, but last time I looked they didn't take bookings. Might be worth a punt, though,' he added.




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First published 11 Sep 2022


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