- Lockjaw
- 4 days ago
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Any peace plan must include alternate photo ops, insisted Sir Keir, who was worried that voters would discover he has nothing else to do with his time. His events calendar normally comprises of -
5% cosplay in an army outfit.
7% standing in silhouette by a door.
10% walking in slow-mo through a garden, nodding sagely at sage.
78% readjusting camera angles to make himself look taller
This is the first peace proposal to include a performer rider, with Sir Keir demanding hundreds of statesmen-like poses in designer outfits, all paid for by dubious means. In private he is said to have been furious that he may have to go back to images of him been shouted at by pub landlords or that video of him with a punchbag, that makes him look like a bellend.
A number of dishonest and/or misguided people have claimed that the land-for-peace deal being forced on Ukraine by Trump and Putin is nothing at all like the appeasement of Hitler by allowing him to occupy the Sudetenland in 1938.
They also claim that giving Putin exactly what he wants definitely won’t encourage him use force to take other territory he wants in future.
“Just look at what happened back then,” said Steve Putz of the Centre for Culpable Gullibility. “Hitler said thanks very much for the Sudetenland, and then left the rest of the world in peace, just as he’d promised.
”And I’m sure exactly the same will happen with Putin. You only have to look at how we let him get away with annexing the Crimea in 2014, and he then came back and invaded more of Ukraine a few years later, to realise he’d never do exactly the same thing again.”
His statement was interrupted by the news that Putin had torn up the ceasefire and used his new territory to launch a direct attack on Kyiv.
“You know, now that I think of it, Hitler did invade the rest of Czechoslovakia and then Poland before we finally took our heads out of the sand and realised who he was,” said Putz. “So I suppose it’s just possible Putin will invade the rest of Ukraine and then… well, Poland again, I guess. They really get the shitty end of the stick, don’t they?”
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