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Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people


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Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”


The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.



First published 26 Aug 2022



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Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

Updated: Jun 5


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The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats.


Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”, the campaign will try to persuade migrants who’ve already made it to France that they should stay there, and not imagine Britain is some kind of promised land it’s worth risking your life to reach.


The campaign will use positive images of France such as fields of lavender or sunflowers, baguettes and croissants, the Côte d’Azur, and the gentle buzz of a Citroen 2CV as it wends it way through sun-soaked Provence.


These will be contrasted with images of Wetherspoons’ chucking-out time on a Saturday night in Basildon, a damp sandwich bought on the Kings Cross to Manchester train, a run-down seaside resort on a rainy November Monday, or any footage of Keir Starmer.


“It really shouldn’t be hard to convince people France is nice,” said a cabinet minister. “Any idiot could do it. At least I hope so, since I’m giving the contract to an old school chum who never struck me as all that bright.”


image from pixabay


National Service for Over-50's Approved

Updated: Jun 5


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Following a YouGov poll showing that the majority of over-50's supported the reintroduction of National Service, the government has made the decision to reintroduce the form of conscription last seen in 1960.


"As the Prime Minister said yesterday, defence has changed in the past few years," said Admiral Insurance, head of recruitment for the Ministry of Defence. "When we've looked at jobs in the modern armed services, age is actually an advantage rather than a detriment. The over 50's are the only demographic to have a great deal of at-sea experience thanks to their predilection for Cruise Holidays; all we have to do is ensure there's a shuffleboard deck and we'll have filled the Royal Navy and Auxiliary."


Passing over to his deputy, Commodore Amiga, the MoD went into further details, telling us, "We've essentially reversed EDI policies and are after White British Men; in particular those who drive White Vans for a living. We believe their ability to find gaps where none rightly exist and their suicidal tendencies on the motorway make them perfect drone pilots for kamikaze missions."


At Clacton's branch of Wetherspoons, reaction to the news was a mixture of shock and horror. "Well, I just wanted to see Nancy-boys crying as they got their pink hair shaved off and a Sergeant-Major yelled at them," said one patron now facing deployment under the new policy. "I thought this generation needed toughening up. The Army wouldn't want me, I fainted watching Full Metal Jacket."


image from pixabay


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