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Those Reform policies in full


With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.


  1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

  2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

  3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

  4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

  5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

  6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

  7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

  8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

  9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

  10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

  11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

  12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.


In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.



Hat tip to deskpilot


Image credit: from the NB archive

Regulars at one Oxford JD Weatherspoon demand early breakfasts are banned



An Oxfordshire JD Weatherspoons is coming under pressure from its early morning customers to ban cooked breakfasts. They say the smell is interfering with their appreciation of fine wines on the drinks list.


Ron Miller, a regular customer of The Disingenuous Proprietor, said, 'We have an informal wine appreciation society here and meet at opening time seven days a week to sample the delights of the wines on offer. But in recent months we've noticed the bouquet of what we've tried is being corrupted by the nasty niff of sausages, bacon and eggs.


'So we've spoken to the sommelier, aka Big Nev the barman, and asked if he'd take our complaint up with chain owner, Tim Martin. I mean, we've yet to see one breakfast being eaten. Yet the stench of burnt oil is awful. Just last week Nev had a case of Buckfast 2009 in and we were full of anticipation to sample it, but the smell of fried grub ruined what should have been a highlight for us.


'If our plea falls on deaf ears we might have to resort to what we did before this place opened,' Ron said. When asked what that was he explained, 'Reconvene on the benches at the duckpond in the park.'



Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people



Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”


The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.



First published 26 Aug 2022



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