House of Lords to relocate to Wetherspoons

The renovations needed at Westminster require the House of Lords to relocate until the roof is fixed, WiFi is installed and the toilets moved indoors.

'It's going to take a few years and it's going to need a suitable place for Peers to attend, sleep and draw daily allowances,' said a spokesman for the House of Lords today. 'They might need to engage in some friendly banter and debate as well, so we thought we ought to find a suitable place to relocate them to pronto,' he added.

He stated that Wetherspoons seemed to be a good choice as it tends to use aging, quirky premises, has cheap alcohol, serves from eight in the morning and, crucially from a health and safety point of view, has a unique non-slip surface on the floor. It is understood that some patrons have been literally stuck to the surface for years it's that effective. Luckily most seem to have been adhered next to the bar so haven't struggled to eat or drink.

Not everyone in the House of Lords is as keen on the proposal. One objector pointed out that a six person all-party committee undertook a research project into the feasibility in March and apart from a brief sighting of two of the peers staggering across King's Cross Road in ermine robes, tracky bottoms, white socks and Adidas trainers, they haven't returned to the House of Lords, not even to file expense claims, which are expected to be in the tens of pounds by now.

Image:Pixabay/Chequeredink

Local man would “definitely be as brave as the Ukrainians”

Martin Clark has confirmed that he would resist any invasion of the UK as bravely as the citizens of the Ukraine.

Nobody outside of the Kremlin has failed to be moved by the defence mounted by Ukrainian troops and ordinary citizens, and after watching TV news on mute in his local Wetherspoons, Clark issued a statement to his fellow drinkers that he “would like to see Putin try that around here”.

He cited his weeks camping as a child, the time in got into a brawl with a bouncer and voting to leave the European Union as proof that he could lead a resistance.

When challenged that he had no military experience or knowledge of military tactics, Clark pulled a battered copy of an Andy McNabb book from his rucksack and waved it in Dave Thompson’s face saying: “I’ve read this 13 times, thank you very much.”

Despite not being alive during World War Two, Clark referenced the Blitz 13 times during the evening, he also mentioned the “snowflake generation” nine times and the Queen five times, which he seemed to think were conclusive arguments.

When asked why he hadn’t travelled to Ukraine to fight alongside the local people fighting back, Clark pretended not to hear, quickly finished his pint and went for a kebab.

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Hopes fading for Kabul Wetherspoons

As the Taliban enter Kabul the future looks bleak for the city’s sole Wetherspoons outlet. ‘The Rory Stewart’, opened to great fanfare in 2011, was previously seen as major step forward in the rebuild of Afghanistan.

‘The post conflict hell of downtown Kabul seemed the ideal place to open a new pub’, explained bouffanted, modern day workhouse owner and Spoons boss Tim Martin, ‘In fact it seemed a little bit upmarket. But we felt that a combination of cheep booze, fruit machines and disgusting carpets was exactly what the poor Afghans needed as they attempted to rebuild their shattered lives.’

‘We don’t quite know what the situation is as we’re struggling to get any information out of there at the moment, but as a precaution we’ve already stopped paying our staff’

Despite the uncertainty it is thought the Taliban will inevitably close down the pub, as a spokesman for leader Hibatullah Akhundzada explained ‘His excellency will not tolerate such decadent, western infidel establishments. Besides, he’s much more of a Yate’s Wine Lodge kind of guy’.