UN peacekeepers determine whose turn it is ‘to put out the bins'

A General remarked: ‘We’re here to navigate the difficult path from conflict to peace, and to decide whether it’s this week that the garden waste bin goes out. Marital lines have been crossed, with both homeowners blaming the other for atrocities, such as trying to sneak pizza boxes in with the recycling.

‘We’ve seen examples of war crimes, with bin bags not being tied up and someone leaving week-old prawns uncovered. Neighbours have taken collateral damage, with unattended polystyrene packaging blowing up and down the cul-de-sac. We’ve even had reports of flowerbed border incursions and what looks to be a child’s mattress dumped on a lawn.

‘You’re going to see a lot of blue helmets on the ground – which will probably be filled with old tea bags’.

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Africa disguises itself as South America, to avoid Matt Hancock

The world's second-largest and second-most populous continent, has decided it is easier to adopt a fake Mexican accent and poncho covering 30 million km², rather than take advice from Matt Hancock. The prospect of having the shamed former minister as an UN envoy, has caused a continental drift of 8000 miles and has left a rather large gap below Spain.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, somewhere in the vicinity of coffee beans, Africa said: ‘Initially we thought we could just hide behind the curtains when he came knocking but a lot of women expressed alarm. After all we’ve got 1.3 billion people, so there is a very real risk that one lady might find him attractive. Law of big numbers says someone has self-esteem that low’.

Having changed postal address and worn a large fake moustache, Africa explained: ‘Ethiopia particularly has seen a lot of alarming pictures of death and disease over the years – and that’s just Matt Hancock’s time as Health Secretary’

image pixabay/mohamed_hassan

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I'll quell N. Korea threat with my big trousers: Simon Cowell's defiant vow

Pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, last night issued a defiant message to North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un, by pledging his support to the West and vowing to quell any forthcoming aggression from the rogue state by dropping a pair of his enormous, high-waisted trousers over the entire country, blocking out the light and thereby preventing them from aiming their missiles.

Speaking from his home in Palm Springs, Cowell 107, told reporters: “I’ve had just about enough of Kim Jong-un’s sabre rattling and anti-western rhetoric.

"I spoke to Cheryl Cole about it on the phone last night and she suggested dropping a pair of my ridiculously large trousers over North Korea to quell any future threat and I found myself in firm agreement with her.

"I’ve got an absolutely enormous pair in the wardrobe that make me look like an absolute, ocean-going twat and I’ve told President Biden to send round a Chinook helicopter later to pick them up”

A spokesperson for The United Nations told newsmen last night: “With the threat of a nuclear exchange growing exponentially, this offer from Mr Cowell is extremely timely.

"We hope to drop a pair of his idiotic trousers on Pyong Yang later on today. Let’s see how they like that shall we?”

This move by the UN mirrors the action taken by coalition forces during the 2nd Gulf War when an entire battalion of Saddam’s Republican Guard were smothered to death by a pair of gigantic frilly knickers donated to the war effort by BBC London radio host, Vanessa Feltz.

image pixabay/mohamed_hassan

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