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USA absolutely not going to Hell - says Hell



A Press Officer for Hell, yesterday, provided a robust response to Donald Trump’s statement that "the USA is going to Hell”. Spokesdemon, BL Zeebub, stated that it’s “absolutely not going to happen. We have enough challenges already processing the growing daily number of migrants over the Styx, without taking in a country of 330 million, as well".


“That is not to say that there aren’t some specifically skilled migrants who would be more than welcome, which is why we operate a points system. However, we can’t deal with as many in one go - people would be queueing for months and the extra fire required would certainly blow our carbon targets".


"No, as much as Mr Trump, himself, would be a good fit, both with our corporate culture and the décor, we cannot deal with an infestation of Americans. This would surely lead to a reduction in service for the current inhabitants, which would be totally unfair to the many who’ve signed up to eternal punishment.”


Mr Trump was approached for comment but said he didn’t speak to the “Fake News Media, let alone the Fake Fake News Media”.



First published 7 April 2023



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Cosmonauts become nightmare flatmates on the International Space Station



Russia has decided to stop all cooperation with western countries on the International Space Station but stopped short of admitting it has instructed its cosmonauts to start behaving like the flatmates from hell.

 

The Americans disagree.

 

It started yesterday morning when Vladimir and Oleg finished the milk in the fridge, which was clearly labelled USA and put the empty carton back.

 

 "I couldn't believe it," said Colonel Gary Sheppard. "They know that I like to have fresh, cold milk on my Frosties every morning, but they are so selfish. They even have loads of their own sterilised milk, like your gran used to get, on their shelf, although it tastes awful on cereal."

 

 "Then they had ASDA's Smartprice fish pie for lunch, and the kitchen smells like the devil's own arse. They didn't open a window, turn on the extractor fan, or even wipe around the microwave with Flash. They're like animals. That Putin has a lot to answer for."

 

 The Cosmonauts deny that they are doing anything on purpose. They claim not flushing the toilet after their traditional Russian asparagus soup party was purely an accident, as was leaving the heating on before going out last Friday night and putting out the wrong bins last Thursday.



First published 4 April 2022



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