Trump reboots Pirates of the Caribbean

In a sequel no one asked for, Trump seized a Venezuelan tanker laden with doubloons. Like Captain Jack Sparrow, but less coherent, the President promised booty for his allies and booty-calls for his interns.

To be a true pirate, Mr.Trump should technically take his prize to a secret island filled with illegal activity. But, sadly, his friend Jeffrey is dead. Instead, he'll have to smuggle the stolen oil to the US - just like all his predecessors.

One Venezuelan ranted: 'You're the worst President I've ever heard of. An immoral, corrupt, pervert!'

'Yes,' countered Trump, 'but you have heard of me.'

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Country admits their special relationship is very unbalanced

The Island Nation, who wished to remain anonymous, talked candidly about their unbalanced relationship with a high profile country.

'You have to be really careful, they do demand compliments all the time, and you can’t say anything that would upset them. They need to be in charge constantly and consider themselves to be super powerful. They encouraged me to break contact with my local group, I do think there is an element of coercive control, but I still think they can change. They have massive mood swings, like every four years, it’s like they are completely different.

'I don’t like who they mix with, their friends are a bit scary and do awful stuff, but I can’t say anything, can I? They had an incident a few years back, I can't remember the exact date. Don’t tell them I said that, they go crazy if you forget it. You must never forget it. Anyway, they asked everyone for help and we jumped up and said no problem. Bunch of us did, I am sure they would do the same for any of us. Hopefully.

'They do treat me nice sometimes, like this year, they were being really mean to everyone and because I complimented how clever they are at business they were less mean to me. That really shows how special this relationship is. I always try to scrub up nice and make a big deal for visits, that definitely makes them happy. For a bit.

'Part of me inside knows that this is just wrong and wants out, but I can’t leave now, I have invested so much in this relationship that is not weird in any way. They have promised me a really nice mutual agreement, so I really need to stay for that. It’ll be so special.'

If you or any other countries were affected by this article, you can contact the United Nations Help Desk and listen to some soothing music.

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Who’s in charge now? The current US order of presidential succession

This handy guide will help you to work out Who's in charge now? It explains the current order of presidential order of succession, if something were to happen:

• Vice President – Easily manipulated Tech Bro Yes man

• Speaker of the House - Easily manipulated religious weirdo

• President Pro Tempore of the Senate – A 92-year-old man*

• Secretary of State – Sycophantic loser who can’t look in the mirror

• Secretary of the Treasury - Sycophantic loser who loves looking in the mirror

• Secretary of Defense (War) – Cheating, alcoholic content provider

• Attorney General - Trump’s personal liar and eye candy – thrown out when Trump goes

• Secretary of the Interior – Billionaire climate-change denier

• Secretary of Agriculture – Incompetent empathy void

• Secretary of Commerce – A simple toady idiot

This list goes on to include anti-vax sociopaths and dog murderers, all of them sex trafficker apologists. If you need to know exactly how this list continues, then something is seriously wrong....

* He was around at the same time as Paul von Hindenburg, the second president of the German Weimar

Republic

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