Trump explains why he picked on Iran

'I chose to bomb Iran, rather than anywhere else on the planet, since its name strikes a real chord with me,' Trump told the drone fleet in the White House press corps.

'That's because I ran away from military service in Vietnam, and I ran away from my creditors in Atlantic City.

'Also, I ran away from the Epstein investigation by gratuitously starting this war.

'The next place I'll be bombing is Havana.

'That's because I've been Havana great time throwing my weight about as US Fuhrer... I mean, president.'

Trump attacked Venezuela to win cereal packet competition, reveals White House

'The plan to capture President Maduro of Venezuela and take over the country's government came to President Trump one morning after Christmas, when he was eating his usual breakfast of Acid Puffs and spotted a cool competition on the packet,' a federal spokes-gruppenfuhrer told the White House press corps.

'It said that the first autocrat to invade the whole set of South America countries could claim the grand prize: a day-glow orange garden parasol.

'The President said that the parasol would 'look great' on the concrete terrace he's built on top of the White House rose garden. Plus, we think it would really match his bizarre skin tone.

'Having collected his token for Venezuela, he's only got Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Paraguay, Peru, Suriname and Uruguay to go.

'The problem President Trump is currently grappling with is completing this sentence in 20 words: 'I want to bomb foreign countries and topple their regimes because... '

'So far, he's scrawled the words 'narco-terrorist' 90 times on the Acid Puffs box with a Sharpie, but we don't think that'll fly with the competition judges.

'What we'd say is that this daring raid by Delta Force into Maduro's house proves that while President Trump chickened out of serving in Vietnam, claiming some obscure problem with his feet, he can be really brave when it comes to risking other people's lives.'

At press time, Donald Trump was talking excitedly with Putin on the phone about the tremendous offer he'd seen on a packet of Nasties, which said that the first Russian dictator to invade all three Baltic Republics, plus Finland and Sweden, could win himself a borsht steamer.

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