Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)

Male violence only answer to male violence, say rioters

Men throwing bricks have clarified their position on who is allowed to kill women, how smashing high street windows makes girls safer, and what kind of murder qualifies as riot-worthy.

"Three girls knifed by a dark-skinned young man that I've seen rumours on the internet about = brick a mosque. Or a copper. They're much the same thing" explained Barry A. Clava, a spontaneously concerned member of the public. "Whereas three women shot with a crossbow by a young white man = nothing to see here. He'd probably been dumped by his girlfriend, that can make you mad, I can tell you. White women murdered by white policemen? Hmmm, that's a tricky one."

The rioters' policy analyst division, speaking between mouthfuls of Stella, suggested that ending boat-based immigration would prevent young men brought up in the UK from attacking women and girls, and starting the football season would prevent young men from rioting over criminal justice issues when there were the bastards from the neighbouring club to deal with first. 

Meanwhile, riots have also erupted in Hartlepool over rumours that a monkey was involved - but it turned out that this was only Nigel Farage, as usual.

image from pixabay

Ofsted inspectors to be trained in self defence

Following the announcement by Gillian Keegan, Education Secretary that she would probably have punched an Ofsted inspector if they’d been rude to her, the agency has taken the unusual step of training its inspectors in martial arts.

‘Ms Keegan is known to be a bit touchy’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve advised our inspectors to tell her that she’s doing a “bloody good job” if they ever meet her. At the same time they should follow their training – keep a safe distance, adopt a small stance with hands ready and scan the room for anything which could be used as an improvised weapon’.

The likelihood of an inspector actually meeting Ms Keegan is tiny – that would require her to visit a school – but there are fears that some headteachers might take the comment as a green light to take out their frustrations on visiting inspectors.

‘Our insurance premiums have trebled’, the spokesman said. ‘Between crumbling school buildings and homicidal secretaries of state we’re paying a fortune in insurance. I only entered the profession because I saw an old St Trinian’s movie. The reality is nothing like that. Might go back to working the doors on nightclubs. Much safer’.

image from pixabay