Kids sitting on back seat of bus much harder than you, study confirms

Some menacing looking year 10 lads from the local comprehensive school, who are always on the back seats at the back of the bus when you get on for your commute to work are much, much harder than you, even though you are a 45 year old man, a study has confirmed today.

Long thought to be the case from anecdotal gossip and posts on community facebook groups about some 'thugs causing mayhem on buses - what is the problem with the youth of today?',  the research found that teenagers at the back of the bus joking and vaping could lay you out with a single punch, no problem, and what are you staring at anyway, old timer?

The researchers controlled for a range of other factors thought to be associated with schoolkid hardness, including the age of the first appearance of bumfluff style facial hair, the amount of implausible stories of sexual activity that they boast about with each other, and the number of direct classroom confrontations they had had with a supply teacher.

'Whilst this study identifies a residual toughness even after controlling for all these things, we still don't know whether there is a self-selection bias', noted a nervous teacher on bus duty at the local school. 'Do the hard kids opt for the prestigious back seat, out of some feeling of entitlement? Or does the act of sitting at the back embolden kids of average 'hardness', causing them to swear a lot, and play with their crotch in a distracted, but nonetheless threatening manner?'

'It would be good to run an experiment to place the hard kids on a seat half way down the bus for a week to test this theory', noted the teacher timidly. 'I suggested it to Logan and the rest of the Brookdale gang, but they suggested that I F@*k off back to the hole I came from.'

The Rock says fans should feel free to kill each other at slasher movies

The ex-wrestler made the comments as he attended the UK premiere of Moana 2, shortly after he had ripped one of the cinema seats from the floor and beaten an usherette senseless with it.

'Especially if you love violence, that's the fun part,' the US star told Newsbiscuit on the red carpet. Although the carpet hadn't been red before the altercation

Recently, there has been a debate on social media around whether people should sing along in cinemas, sparked by the release of Wicked a few days ago.

Some have argued fans should be able to express their enjoyment as they like, through knives and gun, while others say the prospect of dying at the hands of fellow cinema goers can ruin people's experiences.

Johnson strongly disagrees, although he did begin to have doubts as he left a special screening of 'Fast and Furious 7' and found someone had taken his Lamborghini Huracan from the car park and driven it into a large truck at speed.

Image: Alan - Pixabay

Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)