Starmer furious the other boys won't let him play soldier

Peace talks between Putin and Trump look set to go ahead without Field Marshall Starmer, meaning that UK will miss out on a gold opportunity to get shot at.

The PM is said to be incandescent with rage, that his forever war has barely outlasted Rachel Reeves credibility. Instead of a glorious campaign of photo opportunities, Starmer is left having a defense meeting with the French - which an oxymoron.

He has still proposed to increase defense budgets by cutting back on welfare spending – by sending everyone in a wheelchair to the Ukrainian frontline. The PM had been banking on the popularity a war would give him, and the chance to win the Lord Kitchener lookalike competition.

Sir Keir is a real life Action Man, and small enough to wear the toy uniform. Sadly, he will never get to wear is stick-on medals, cocked hat and replica musket – it will all stay in his dressing up box, alongside his pretend socialist hat.

Image: Pixabay/red_koral_ph

Polar Bears Seek EU Membership

Polar bears, the iconic leviathans of the Arctic, have decided to apply for membership in the European Union. The move comes amid rapidly rising tension in the planet's far north.

'Let's face it, we're kind of caught in the middle up here,' said Nanuq, Chairbear of the Polar Council, the bears' governing body. 'On one side we have a megalomaniacal dictator seeking to expand his territory by wholly unjustified brute force, and on the other there's Putin.'

Nanuq noted that the Council debated whether to seek NATO membership but concluded that 'the Bloated Orange Biped' would present an insurmountable obstacle. However, Nanuq seemed crestfallen when informed by a reporter that the EU in fact has no armed forces directly at its disposal. 'Well then what bloody good are they?' she sighed. 'I suppose we should have had someone read up on this before our vote.'

The polar bears' confusion comes as no surprise to Alfred Newman, Professor of Contemporary Ursine Affairs at the University of Svalbard. 'We offer the bears an annual seminar on understanding human politics, but we have yet to receive a single applicant,' he said. 'To be fair, I'd probably also rather be out hunting tasty seals than sitting through yet another dreary Zoom session.'

Image: Hans-Jurgen Mager (@hansjurgen007) | Unsplash Photo Community

Putin nominated for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.

Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.

‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’

The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.

‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’

Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.

‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’