Syria enters era of peace and stability...just like Iraq

As the Assad regime falls, Syria is on the cusp of an age of tranquility, if by tranquility you mean years of terrorist conflict and indiscriminate mayhem. Said one Syrian: 'It's just nice to get rid of one psychotic dictator, so we can start on the next.'

Rebel forces quickly went about liberating prisons and freeing torture victims, to make room for all the prisoners they would have to torture. They refused to say if they would open slave markets like 'liberated' Libya, but pointed out that without slaves how would the next iPhone get built?

Victorious Hayat Tahrir al-Sham (HTS) promised an end to violence* *Terms and conditions apply. While the UK was asked why it now supported a terrorist group of religious fanatics, a confused Minister replied: 'We have always supported the US.'

Photo by Peter Pryharski on Unsplash

Russian peace deal demands Zelensky wear a suit

The war in Ukraine is set to rumble on as a diplomatic solution, hinged on President Zelensky knowing how to put on a tie. While relinquishing Ukrainian territory is seen as unreasonable, asking Zelensky to find an ironed shirt is a clear red line.

One Russian General complained: 'Zelensky has treated the entire campaign as dress-down Friday. Combat trousers and t-shirts, every f$ckin day! He dresses like he is still in college. No serious politician gets his wardrobe from Andriy's Army Surplus.'

Ukraine has made a counteroffer that Zelensky would wear his 'birthday suit' if the Russians also went naked. Said an aide: 'That way we all get to go commando.'

Photo by Alex Fedorenko on Unsplash

Starmer begins war on 'Benefits Britain' with air sorties

Pilots, to their surprise, encountered little resistance from the 'unemployed' enemy. Military experts are saying this could be due to it being a weekend when entire estates are pissed. 'It was a Saturday at 1am. Most local thieving and whoring operations had already been concluded. We took the claimants by surprise.'

The government has refused to confirm if and when ground operations will begin, hinting that spongers representatives may yet avert street-to-street fighting by submitting their benefits books and swearing in good faith to get Christmas jobs stacking shelves with Drambuie.

The war, which had been trailed in the incoming government's manifesto, was finally sparked by video footage of a back-related disability claimant in Padstow water skiing with two fingers waved in the direction of Westminster. The woman is understood to have been killed in the first wave of government bombing. Her family has condemned the lack of precision in the attack. 'We knew mum was a fighter in the benefits war and could suffer the consequences. But the missile took out my brother, too,' said one of the water skier's surviving children. 'The effect will be to further radicalize benefits claimants.'

International condemnation has also been swift. Leaders in Latin America have been forthright in their criticism, but they would wouldn't they. The EU has called on the UK government to pause the attacks and allow peacekeepers into Liverpool city centre, which despite having a comparatively low proportion of benefits claimants, still suffers the effects of its militant scrounging past.

A ministerial spokesman defended the action. 'If past governments had adequately addressed the issue of false ADHD bennie demands we wouldn't be seeing paratroopers rounding up smoking mums in dressing gowns at school gates.' He confirmed that mopping up operations are proceeding in an orderly fashion in Hanley, Solihull, both Newcastles, and the whole of south Wales. In off the record comments, another said, 'We will give these f*ckers a real reason to need incapacity benefits.'

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