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West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire.


Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks.  But the savings did not stack up.  To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st.


‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ said the Member for Environment and Planning, Ophelia Payne.  ‘All households can do better at recycling and this will reduce the need for people to send waste to landfill.  We know that nobody can properly separate the cardboard and the plastic from sandwich boxes, but we are asking everyone to try harder.


‘Landfill waste will not smell if householders ensure that food waste is handled correctly.  Vacuum cleaner dust does not fly around if you bag it properly.  And most modern mattresses can be successfully composted at home.


‘If anyone thinks that they can’t manage on an annual collection, then we recommend storing landfill waste in a pit in your garden.  If you manage this correctly, then it will be easy to dig up and put it out for the annual collection – although we must point out that the size of the landfill waste bin will remain at 10 litres.  It’s a small sacrifice, and it’s one that the planet will thank you for.


West Moorland District Council’s council tax charge is expected to rise by 17% for 2026/27.  This is mainly due to losses on investments, interest charges, and councillors’ expenses.


image from pixabay



The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.


'This is a familiar story of good intentions undermined by incompetence, poor planning and poor execution,' said a government spokesbody. 'We have spoken to all those currently involved - put the wind up them, if you like - and made it clear that 77% is not good enough. We are fed up of going round and round in circles on this.


'If the operator cannot improve on 77%, then we will act swiftly to set up a commission with wide ranging powers to look at options and report back. I can confirm that there will be subcommittees and that difficult decisions will be taken. That'll learn 'em.


'In the meantime, we've set the operator an interim target to get to 85% this year, and to reach 95% wastage by 2030.


'That'll take the wind out of their sails' said one blowhard.




'I have come amongst you, oh my readers,' said the Ghost of News Past, emerging from the headquarters of News International onto Wapping High Street and rattling its notebook and long-lens camera at onlookers in a most fearsome way, 'to fill you with shame and remorse for wasting your lives on all the inconsequential tripe we slopped out in 2022.'


'Looking back on it, why did you ever give a damn about the Wagatha trial? How empty are your days that you paid even the slightest attention to two footballers’ wives squabbling over the sum total of sod-all, and treating Britain's High Court like it was the public bar of a Merseyside pub?


'And why in the name of arse,' continued the spectre, 'did you ever think it mattered that Paul Someone and Holly Off-the-Telly jumped the queue to see the Queen’s coffin?


'Other things that you wasted your time and mental faculties on in 2022 include: Matt Hancock being a self-promoting twit in the jungle; the sordid, mangled saga of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard; Kate Bush and a song she sang 40 years ago; and watching Harry and Meghan reheating stale quarrels and hollow allegations for six hours solid on Netflix.


'That's six hours you will never get back,' added the phantom. 'You know that, don't you?'


'And you still haven’t learnt your lesson,' bellowed the Ghost of News Present, appearing alongside his fellow wraith, 'because you all continue to slavishly consume whatever toxic slime we serve up, day after day, about the idiot contestants on Love Island and I’m a Celebrity, along with creepy, paparazzi shots of a bikini-clad Gwynneth Paltrow on a winter holiday in Barbados.'


'I give you mortals fair warning,' wailed the Ghost of News Future, barging its way through the two other apparitions. 'To avoid turning your minds irreversibly to mush, you must ignore the stream of spurious non-stories we're planning to pump into the world in the days and weeks ahead - to be specific, anything about Cristiano Ronaldo, Megan Thee Stallion, cryptocurrencies or the Oxford English Dictionary making ‘goblin-mode’ its word of the year.'



First published 31 Dec 2022


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