Sewage companies, who have dumped your poo in rivers and seas under a clause that allows them to dump supposedly when there is excessive rainfall, but in fact even when there wasn't any rain, are being forced by a quango to give a bit of money back to householders. This money is not a total rebate, because they have processed some of your poo into non-poo like they should have done, but it is just for the bit of poo they did not do. Even though they should have, because it wasn't raining, most of the time when they dumped. So, you get a bit of money back, but then its going to put the bills up because the money has got to come from somewhere and the rich people don't give it back. So the money you get back, just comes from you, in the future. And they still don't let you put the poo in the river yourself, even if you have a bucket and its raining, and they still don't let you swap to a different supplier, not really, you can just change who does your bill but its the same shit processor who doesn't process your shit. Even when its not raining. And you're not allowed to do it yourself, because ew-yuck, no, we can't have irresponsible members of the public doing that, the law says we must have proper irresponsible utilities doing that instead. Which is shit. (I should call them sewerage companies, not sewage. But I don't want to.)
First published 28 Sep 2023
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You might be struggling to understand why water companies regularly spurt out tonnes of our faecal matter into rivers and the sea. Perhaps you’re worried it might be a bit unhealthy, or that these big businesses are putting profits before a healthy water ecosystem?
Luckily Sir Henry McStopcock, a water company boss is here to provide some reassurance with the top 6 reasons why they simply have to dump their dumps:
1. Too much rain - Britain is known as having quite a dry, humid climate so when it does rain a lot, our little old Victorian sewage system simply can’t cope. For us water companies there is nothing we can do but watch in despair as a frothy mixture of your logs and used sanitary towels make their way into the English Channel.
2. too little rain - Britain is getting hotter and hotter due to climate change and this can result in cracks in pipes in the decrepit old Victorian sewer system that us water companies have sadly inherited, and tried our damnedest to maintain. And when it does rain again, well, as I’ve just clearly explained to you, this is just too much, resulting in a few thousand extra ‘brown trouts’ in the River Avon.
3. Combined Sewer Overflow events - this is a fancy name for us dumping sewage into the sea., so I’m well within my rights to call these ‘a reason’, aren’t I? You’ve probably heard about them as Feargal Sharkey has been a huge pain in the ass campaigning about these - he’s like a floater in our social responsibility whitewashing toilet that just won’t flush away. As he sung in his most famous hit about sewage discharge: ‘A big turd, these days, ain’t hard to find ( a big turd). Huge logs, the lasting kind’.
4. Lorry driver crisis - us water companies have suffered more than any other sector as a result of worker shortages. Without effluent we can’t purify water. Would you prefer dirty water in your domestic water system, or human waste floating around the beaches and rivers you swim in? Neither, you say? Sorry, that’s not an option at the moment. The shit really is hitting the Fens.
5. Fatbergs - You dirty bastards chuck all sorts down your sinks and toilets and expect us poor water companies to deal with it . Did I mention the Victorian sewer and pipe system that we’ve had no time to invest in and develop? You all need to clean up your act.
6. Shareholder dividends - this definitely isn’t a reason why we haven’t invested enough in upgrading infrastructure over many years and why sewage is increasingly being spewed out into seas. What a load of crap.
Image: aitoff | Pixabay
First published 22 Aug 2022
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