New look Match of the Day sees Shearer go on about Newcastle

The re-launch of BBC’s flagship football show featured, just for a change, Alan Shearer rambling on and on and on about Newcastle.

Despite being the last game on due to it being a drab 0-0, Alan Shearer presented a lengthy analysis of Newcastle’s apparently majestic performance despite their centre-forward crisis. Their equally unimpressive opponents Aston Villa barely warranted a mention.

On the other hand, Sunderland’s comprehensive win was entirely down to West Ham being, technically speaking, no good.

There was hope amongst football fans everywhere that, following Gary Lineker’s enforced resignation, the programme would be less dull. Those hopes were not exactly raised when it was announced that the so-called Rooney Rule would be applied.

In American Football, the Rooney Rule means equal opportunities for ethnic minorities. In the case of Match of the Day however, it means equal opportunities for thick scousers who have terrible records as lower league managers. But Alan Shearer somehow succeeded in making Wayne Rooney sound insightful and interesting.

If the first programme of the new season is indicative of the standard to be expected every week, we can all look forward to the same old Match of the Day that we are so familiar with.

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Rooney quits Plymouth to take on Christmas job as store Santa

Wayne Rooney shocked the football world last night when he sensationally quit the manager's post at low-flying Plymouth Argyle to become a temporary Santa Claus. The ex-Manchester United wunderkind said he can no longer ignore his destiny. 'I've been growing into the ideal face for Father Christmas ever since I hit 30. Now is the time to make it official.'

The grizzly soccer boss, who'd noticeably whitened his beard of late, said his agent had been inundated with offers from competing department stores. 'When Harrods come calling, you don't say no. They are still the benchmark for big department stores.' The premier league department store has been reeling from the scandal surrounding former boss Mohammed al Fayed, currently entering Jimmy Saville territory in terms of numbers and retrospective repulsiveness.

'It's the smart move,' says Plimpton Shrew, chief market analyst for Shrew Binary Market Annaleptics. “There's no better way to bounce back from having a world historical sex offender for an owner than with a celebrity Santa.' Rooney is the first ex-footballer to move from the sport to the grotto since Billy Bremner was hired as a yuletide elf by an ambitious Asda in 78.

But others are unconvinced Rooney will fit seamlessly into the Harrods team. 'Wayne Rooney will be talking to a lot of rich kids from the shires who simply won't understand that scouse accent,' said sources close to a concerned Alan Hansen. 'The move looks good on paper. But there could be hot childrens' tears if he's unintelligible.' Injury could also be a problem. Towards the end of his career, Rooney suffered repeated knee issues. The downward force on his lateral meniscus of several hundred 2 to 9 year olds during the coldest month of the year could put him out of the pudgy, red nosed, overweight gift-giving imitation business permanently. Ho ho ho.

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