After voting for Assisted Dying last week, the government has told voters that there is no budget to pay for it.
Protestors have been out on the streets complaining about, yet another, "one rule for the rich and one rule for the poor" policy from the Starmer government.Â
One protestor, Dave Simmons, from Tipton told Newsbiscuit, "Once again this government has passed legislation which only the very rich in society can take advantage of. My gran is on a life support and would love to die, but the government won't let her. At this rate she could live forever and we'll never get her house.
Opposition MPs are furious. Tory Shadow Minister for Health, Wealth and Happiness, Uriah Heap, told our reporter, 'This bill is an absolute disgrace. We, the Conservatives, are supposed to be the haters of the poor, not Labour. They're supposed to be the nice ones.'
Labour MP, Tony Capp, said, 'Relatives of the poor will just have to stick to the traditional methods of a toaster in the bathroom or marbles on the stairs. Anyway, I don't know why people are complaining, the removal of the Winter Fuel Allowance will finish a lot of them off.'
With the amount of people diagnosed with mental health problems increasing, the Government has announced a new drive to reduce numbers which involves asking people to try not having the issues that are afflicting them.
"There's been a spike of people, particularly those still in school, who have been diagnosed as suffering depression, anxiety, panic attacks and all other kinds of mental illnesses" stated a spokesperson close to Health Secretary Wes Streeting "and after looking into the issue at length I've decided the best way to get figures down and improve mental health is to declare that these things aren't actually conditions and people just need to start cheering up"
Streeting's aide explained under his new mandate many forms of supposed mental illnesses are to be reclassified. For instance 'Depression' will be renamed as 'Really Fed Up', 'Anxiety' will be labelled 'Overthinking Things' and ADHD will be reclassified as 'Nothing a Good Telling Off Won't Solve.'
"According to some Reform voters I spoke to the other day, because we're very keen to know their thoughts on everything at the moment" the spokesperson continued "when they were kids if you misbehaved at school you were given a beating. Now you get a hug and are diagnosed with autism, and if they're thinking that then it's the kind of thing we want to put a stop to. I'm fairly certain if depressed people try getting out of bed and going for a walk instead of sitting around watching Challenge all day they'll feel much better.
"I'm not suggesting of course that schools should go back to beating troublesome pupils... not yet, anyway. I do know that the Reform voters are quite keen to bring that back to let's see what happens."