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If you’re not the boss of Shell or BP, chances are you don’t have a spare million quid to cover the cost of warming your home this winter. As putting the heating on is not an option, you need to think outside the box, especially if you don’t want to end up living in one. But the good news is, if you follow this handy guide to staying toasty on a budget, one thing’s for sure - you won’t have to worry about your energy bills ever again!
Make a Tauntaun sleeping bag
Take a leaf out of Han Solo’s book and make a snug sleeping bag from a creature that is built for withstanding extreme cold. Being 100 percent organic, Tauntaun sleeping bags are also very environmentally friendly (except for the Tauntaun community) and the only tools you need to make one are a lightsabre and a peg for your nose to block out the smell. If having one delivered from Hoth becomes too much of a logistical challenge because of all the postal strikes, a hefty llama from your local petting zoo would be a viable alternative.
Befriend an arsonist
Hanging out with a new pyromaniac pal is ideal for staying warm on the go as well as an opportunity to expand your social circle. Just make sure you don’t wear too much hairspray when you’re with them and under no circumstances should you invite them back to yours for a Bonfire Night barbecue.
Get a pet dragon
Guaranteed to add a comforting blast of heat to every room, a pet dragon can warm your home for a fraction of the cost of turning on a combi boiler. Dragons are also very cheap to feed – simply let it tuck into the tabasco sauce and an old jar of jalapenos from the back of your cupboard and give your scaly companion’s breath an extra fiery kick in the process. Please do consider how attached you are to things like your pine furniture, your curtains and your eyebrows when deciding whether a dragon is the right pet for you though.
Treat yourself to a fondue foot spa
De-stress and de-flesh after a hard day by plunging your feet into a bubbling cauldron of molten cheese. Please note though - this tasty homemade spa treatment will do such a good job of exfoliating your feet that you may not have any skin left on them at all if you leave them in too long. To save time in case this occurs, it is best to draw a circle on one of your arse cheeks beforehand, so the doctors know which bit to use for the skin graft surgery.
Renege on a deal with the Devil
Hell is well known for its hot climate, and if you want to spend a cosy, cost-cutting winter enjoying its glowing embers, simply make a deal with the Devil and then wriggle out of it. It is highly likely the sneaky sod will be planning to claim your immortal soul whether you do his bidding or not, so if you throw in a bit of wailing, pleading and hysterical sobbing, he might not even notice that you broke your pact on purpose. If you play your cards right, you’ll be dragged into the fiery pit of Hell and be basking in all that lovely fire and brimstone before you can say Doctor Faustus.
A spokesperson for Number 10 has confirmed today Liz Truss has been set to 'power saving mode' following risks that she may shut down over the winter.
This affects the speed of both her thought and her speech and has cleared up the mystery of why she was talking slower than a sloth with a zimmer frame during the Conservative Party conference.
The spokesperson denied this was the reason she was talking slowly in the local radio interviews in the week before the conference., suggesting that as her schedule was really busy, it was necessary to restrict interviewers to ask one question in their allotted time.
The spokesman also confirmed that the Prime Minister had accidentally been set on 'pause' in the days following the mini budget.
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