Rachel Reeves says Wicked Witch had to make 'tough decisions'

The Chancellor said that the Witch was much maligned, and was working within specific financial constraints when she tried to kill Dorothy. Her spokeswoman explained: 'The fact is, the Wizard of Oz left significant debts, having insisted in making his city out of Emerald rather than bricks'.

Cutting off winter fuel payments to the citizens of Oz and privatizing the yellow brick road, were prudent decisions, Reeves insisted. Yes, she could have chosen to tax the ruling billionaire witch-class but they are wealth creators, unlike the gullible munchkins who voted them in. No, it was much fairer for her to wear the ruby slippers, rather than sell them off to lift the two-child cap.

Waving her broomstick Reeves cast a spell of Austerity over the land and threatened to send her winged monkeys after any protestors. Asked if she also planned to freeze disability payments, specifically for the blind. 'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!'

image from pixabay

Taking up the slack from the NHS

Smiffys to Release Existential Halloween Costumes for Those Suffering Quarter-Life Crises

Witches, skeletons, and ghosts may have been the stuff of nightmares when we were children, but for those entering young adulthood, the folk villains of yore seem to have lost their menacing edge.

That’s why this Halloween, Smiffys fancy dress has announced a new line of Halloween costumes aimed to embody the darkest fears of those aged 18-30.

‘Externalising all my abstract fears into a succinct, material expression of festivity is way better than putting on a stripy shirt and saying I’m Where’s Wally again,’ says Ray, aged 20, holding a beaker of vodka cranberry and donned in his new costume, “Intrusive Thoughts About Your Parents Dying”.

‘I was originally going to go as part of a group,’ Lacy tells us. ‘We were also going to go as slutty cats. Then after some introspection I learned that the thing that truly keeps me up at night is that one Margaret Atwood quote about how, under patriarchy, women will always be objectified, no matter what we do or wear. So I decided to go dressed as the “Inescapable Panopticon of the Male Gaze.” – it’s actually not so different to my slutty cat costume.’

Other costumes include: “Accidentally Committing Tax Fraud,” “Losing Your Deposit Because You Used Blu-Tac,” “Diagnosing Yourself With Severe Personality Disorders at 2am,” “Childhood Friend Getting Married,” and “Not Having a Savings Account.”

Photo by Sabina Music Rich on Unsplash