First woman to reach adulthood without committing crime says it's all thanks to Doctor Who

A major milestone was reached yesterday as Annie Briggs from Stevenage became the first woman in history to reach adulthood without committing a single crime. She believes that growing up with a female lead in the only show on television was key to keeping her on the straight and narrow. 'I'm very proud to have achieved this milestone for women,' Briggs said at a special press conference, 'and I owe it all to Jodie Whittaker for playing Doctor Who on TV. Before that, we thought that the moral principles of a fictional time lord could only apply to men, so I might as well just go and kill someone, but now thanks to Jodie we know it's actually women they apply to exclusively.' The news provides a much needed positive boost as society continues to struggle with the sudden onslaught of roaming gangs of young men who, bereft of male role models on television, have taken to the streets looting, murdering and making ritual sacrifices to the Kray twins.

image from pixabay

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Woman forgets to tell strangers she is vegan

Sandra Harris, 47, of West Bromwich has told of the shame and embarrassment she feels after not telling strangers she was vegan.

The incident occurred on the 10:26 train from Birmingham to Kings Cross on Thursday morning. The strangers, Kevin and Julie Young, were sitting opposite Ms Harris for the whole journey and not once did she give herself away or even preach at them.

'In a way, we feel cheated,' said Kevin. 'She wasn't dressed like a hippy. She didn't smell. She didn't tut or lecture us, not even when I offered her one of my Galaxy Minstrels. She just smiled and said, no thanks.'

Julie, told our reporter: 'I can't believe it. I even had a leather handbag. She was so nice. What's all that about? I mean, who does she think she is?'

A press release from the Vegan Society said that they were 'a little disappointed' by the actions of Ms Harris, but told us: 'there is no rule that we always have to annoy people in public.' Ms Harris had an altercation with a Costa Coffee employee at the station about soy milk to make up for it, but the damage had already been done.