Gas engineer definitely going to arrive while you’re taking a dump

The engineer booked to carry out the annual service on your boiler is definitely going to arrive during the 2 minutes you decide you absolutely must go and have a dump, it has been confirmed.

Despite offering you a ludicrously wide 8-hour window in which they will turn up, the knock on the door will come at precisely the moment that you have leave your watch post by the kitchen window to snap out a huge brown trout, stinking the whole house out.

The knock will leave you scrambling to spray some air freshener and open all the windows in the house, before attempting to blame the plumbing for a ‘weird smell’ as the engineer bravely attempts not to retch as they check the radiator in your bathroom.

‘We don’t like to leave anyone hanging. Well, ok, in that sense we do’, explained Mike McBride, Head of Scheduling at UK Boiler Services. ‘Our booking algorithm takes account of dietary habits, stress, and existing bowel conditions to give us a very precise estimate of when each customer will need to see off an old friend to the coast’.

‘At that point our engineer will be immediately notified, and he’ll break land speed records to arrive at your house from just round the corner where he’s been sat in his van all morning having a leisurely coffee.’

‘Our system really is second to none’, continued McBride. ‘Or should that be turd to none?’

www.newsbiscuit.com

Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid.

'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prime ministers of both Sweden and Finland refused his offer for "special negotiations". We've tried to spin this as appreciating women's roles as peacemakers, after all that's something that female leaders like Indira Gandhi and Margaret Thatcher were famous for.'

Rumours that a Tory donor has been approached to fund "an op" for Putin have been denied, but Downing Street refused to comment on reports that Mr Johnson recently made a Zoom call to Putin and opened it with the words "is that a tank in my pocket or am I pleased to see you?"