Woman who married herself poses dilemma for church and parliament

A 42-year old spinster who decided to marry herself rather than spend the rest of her life on the shelf, has posed an interesting dilemma for churches and parliament, as now that her story has reached the news and the public now know she’s not a spendthrift, but someone who amassed a few bob, she has received plenty of marriage offers.

Because British law forbids polygamy, none of these offers can result in marriage, unless parliament decides whether single people are allowed to divorce themselves.

The church meanwhile, will need to consider whether it can morally marry a woman who broke the marriage vow she made to herself.

Newsbiscuit understands from the woman’s friend, that prior to marrying herself, the intention had been to marry a dildo she won at bingo, but on discovering it had been modelled from the penis of a now trans man, didn’t think she could suffer the trauma of being let down, if it transpired the dildo had inherited the trans gene.

image from pixabay

Woman convinced that just getting one more little treat will sort her life out

23-year-old Olivia Adams remains convinced that continuing to treat herself to “a little something” will radically transform her life and make everything fall into place.

‘I see something I like, and I build my identity from there up,’ Olivia tells us. ‘Every new top from Zara ushers in a new era of my life, a new paradigm for living.’

‘Hats were a thing for a while,’ Olivia’s best friend Emma recalls. ‘Hats reinvigorated her will to live for a few days, then she moved on to the next thing. She is a restless teenager, trying on different identities, hoping that it will lead to self-actualisation. Needless to say, she’s in major debt.’

Olivia’s bedroom is a graveyard of aborted microtrends. She was into tarot cards for a while, but they are gathering dust beside her crochet hooks and her dying house-plants. She’s redownloaded Duolingo, and now learning Hebrew will be her “thing".

‘I truly don’t believe there is a single problem in my life that can’t be sorted by buying a cute outfit, a £6 latte, and just walking around.’

As Olivia's bank account dwindles, her collection of "life-changing" items grows exponentially. Each new acquisition is hailed as the missing piece of her existential puzzle, the catalyst that will usher her into a life of fulfilment and accomplishment. "Just one more treat," she whispers to herself, with an almost religious fervour, as she hands over her hard-earned money.

Gas engineer definitely going to arrive while you’re taking a dump

The engineer booked to carry out the annual service on your boiler is definitely going to arrive during the 2 minutes you decide you absolutely must go and have a dump, it has been confirmed.

Despite offering you a ludicrously wide 8-hour window in which they will turn up, the knock on the door will come at precisely the moment that you have leave your watch post by the kitchen window to snap out a huge brown trout, stinking the whole house out.

The knock will leave you scrambling to spray some air freshener and open all the windows in the house, before attempting to blame the plumbing for a ‘weird smell’ as the engineer bravely attempts not to retch as they check the radiator in your bathroom.

‘We don’t like to leave anyone hanging. Well, ok, in that sense we do’, explained Mike McBride, Head of Scheduling at UK Boiler Services. ‘Our booking algorithm takes account of dietary habits, stress, and existing bowel conditions to give us a very precise estimate of when each customer will need to see off an old friend to the coast’.

‘At that point our engineer will be immediately notified, and he’ll break land speed records to arrive at your house from just round the corner where he’s been sat in his van all morning having a leisurely coffee.’

‘Our system really is second to none’, continued McBride. ‘Or should that be turd to none?’

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