The engineer booked to carry out the annual service on your boiler is definitely going to arrive during the 2 minutes you decide you absolutely must go and have a dump, it has been confirmed.
Despite offering you a ludicrously wide 8-hour window in which they will turn up, the knock on the door will come at precisely the moment that you have leave your watch post by the kitchen window to snap out a huge brown trout, stinking the whole house out.
The knock will leave you scrambling to spray some air freshener and open all the windows in the house, before attempting to blame the plumbing for a ‘weird smell’ as the engineer bravely attempts not to retch as they check the radiator in your bathroom.
‘We don’t like to leave anyone hanging. Well, ok, in that sense we do’, explained Mike McBride, Head of Scheduling at UK Boiler Services. ‘Our booking algorithm takes account of dietary habits, stress, and existing bowel conditions to give us a very precise estimate of when each customer will need to see off an old friend to the coast’.
‘At that point our engineer will be immediately notified, and he’ll break land speed records to arrive at your house from just round the corner where he’s been sat in his van all morning having a leisurely coffee.’
‘Our system really is second to none’, continued McBride. ‘Or should that be turd to none?’