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‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories


Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity.


Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living.


Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy consumption would cover any dividend losses incurred by struggling bond holders.


‘Using gas and electricity to heat your homes or power your business is clearly adding to the everyday cost of living.


Imagine a world without those rising energy bills and imagine a world where I was Prime Minister making difficult decisions on your behalf’.


However, under the latest Tory policy not all households would be affected by having their energy supplies cut off.


Households with an annual income of £100k would be exempt from cuts as they can clearly absorb the rise in energy prices and would not be affected in any way.


Drilling for oil and gas in the North Sea would be maximised as this would also bring down the cost of energy costs here in the UK to virtually zero. Just like it has ever since the first barrel of oil was brought ashore back in 1975.


image by Grok

More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless


The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints:

1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it into an old Kellogg’s box, but you’ll never persuade Tiddles to eat cheap food. If you buy Lidl Kitty Feast you’ll only end up feeding it to the family disguised as fish pie - again.

2. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and run a hosepipe from his outdoor tap into your bathroom. It won’t be much fun having a cold bath, but at least it’s free.

3. Don’t use the vacuum cleaner – inhale deeply, and suck the fluff off the carpet yourself. This will save electricity, and you’ll be so full of dust and pet hairs that you’ll be able to skip lunch.

4. If all your bills are online, switch back to receiving paper bills through the post. You can’t afford to pay them, but you can burn the bills and the envelopes to keep warm, or eat them to stave off hunger.

5. You can no longer afford to take the kids to the hairdresser, so cut their hair yourself using a pudding bowl and the kitchen scissors. They’ll probably end up looking a bit ‘special needsy’, but that might lead to them qualifying for free school meals, so it will be worth them getting bullied a bit.

6. Don’t throw the kids’ hair clippings away - make a couple of draught excluders by cutting the legs off a pair of old tights and stuffing them with the kids’ hair and clumps of your own, which thanks to malnutrition is falling out in handfuls. Wear the rest of the trousers as a hat, to keep your balding head warm.

7. If the kids can’t get free school meals, fill an empty toothpaste tube with glue, and tell them to brush their teeth. Once they’ve glued their mouths shut they won’t be able to eat, so you’ll save loads on your grocery shop. When they start to faint with hunger, feed them soup through a nasal tube.


Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.




First published 28 Feb 2023


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