Jackdaw Field: all gas to be put back eventually

The government has upset environmentalists by allowing gas to be taken from the Jackdaw field. To placate them the government has promised to put all the gas back in due course.

'It's quite straightforward,' said a government apologist. 'We use the gas now, while it's expensive. And then later, when it's cheap, we'll buy the equivalent amount and pump it back into the ground. That fully offsets the environmental damage done.

'As an enhancement we might use carbon capture technology to store carbon in black lumps which scientists call 'coal'. And we could pump these lumps back under the North Sea.

'This policy is just a one-off for the Jackdaw field. We aren't going to refill the Brent oil field. That would be catastrophically expensive. Although we are considering putting energy back into the environment by making wind turbines go in the opposite direction.'

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Ted Hastings told 'sucking diesel' no longer affordable

Line Of Duty's Superintendent Ted Hastings has been ordered by senior BBC executives to stop his practice of sucking diesel, as fuel prices continue to hit record levels. 

The go-to practice of Hastings, thought to involve a long piece of tubing attached to a car's fuel tank and used to demonstrate good progress in a tough AC-12 investigation, is to be outlawed with immediate effect, until oil prices begin to drop again. 

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, this is a bloody nightmare, fella, let me tell you,' reported a flustered Hastings today.  'I mean what the hell do you expect me to do when things are going well? You'll be telling my granny to suck some eggs instead of diesel, I expect, will you, Sonny Jim? 

'Maybe we can suck on some of that lovely water coming up the Lagan in the interim, eh? Well, let's get on with it before I throw that there bloody book at you, followed quickly by the bookcase.' 

It is also thought that Hastings will not be permitted to 'cook on gas' either, as wholesale gas prices also continue to rise. 

'Unfortunately, we do need to control costs,' said a senior BBC executive. 'Ted's sucking diesel budget in series 6 of Line of Duty alone ran into the millions, and to be honest, it isn't good for his long-term vocal or gastric health.

'Don't worry, we've given him some more economical alternatives, so in series 7 viewers can look forward to Ted Hastings shouting excitedly that he's 'ingesting Hydrotreated Vegetable Oil' and that 'we're chugging on Biogas LNG'.  

Image credit: ChatGPT

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‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories

Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity.

Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living.

Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy consumption would cover any dividend losses incurred by struggling bond holders.

‘Using gas and electricity to heat your homes or power your business is clearly adding to the everyday cost of living.

Imagine a world without those rising energy bills and imagine a world where I was Prime Minister making difficult decisions on your behalf’.

However, under the latest Tory policy not all households would be affected by having their energy supplies cut off.

Households with an annual income of £100k would be exempt from cuts as they can clearly absorb the rise in energy prices and would not be affected in any way.

Drilling for oil and gas in the North Sea would be maximised as this would also bring down the cost of energy costs here in the UK to virtually zero. Just like it has ever since the first barrel of oil was brought ashore back in 1975.

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