Tristan Tate's book: How to be the 'ultimate beta male'

Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.

The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.

'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.

'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '

However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.

'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.

'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'

STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.

'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Local man hailed for driving a taxi

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Man returns to gym on back day

In the funniest thing anyone has ever seen, a man who had his gym membership suspended for upskirt photographing himself returned to the gym on the very day his bro split routine dictated that he work primarily on his back muscles. Thus, he ‘returned’ on ‘back’ day.

‘As soon as I entered, the counter staff burst into laughter and applause. It was an unintentional joke that everyone immediately got. ‘He’s back on back day,’ they shouted, and clapped. But there was an astonishing twist. Though the man reported laughing congenially and good naturedly, it was also with a rueful sense of modestly. For he hadn’t intended the action as a joke.

‘Me returning on back day was a mere coincidence. A f@cking unbelievable one if you like. But that’s all it was. A coincidence. I didn’t intend to be hilarious. I got lucky.’ As a consequence, the man is keeping quiet about the serendipitous nature of events. ‘I’m worried if I tell them that I didn’t make the joke deliberately, they’ll suspend me again.’

The gym has a five-suspensions-and-you’re-barred rule. Prior to being suspended for upskirt photographing himself, the man had been suspended for brazenly walking out of the building with bundles of gym toilet bog rolls, shooting up on the incline bench press, and bitching relentlessly about Carly Simon. ‘I’m in the last chance saloon,’ he said. At that very moment, we passed by a public house called The Last Chance Saloon. ‘Oh God,’ said the man. ‘I’ve done it again. Please don’t suspend me from the-.’ But it was too late. The interview was over.

Picture credit: Wix AI