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Today’s snooker featured two men with sticks. One of the sticks looked slightly different to the other in two ways. First it was a more speckled variety of stick but the real discussion came when one observer noticed that the chalky bit on one of the sticks was considerably smaller than the chalky bit on the opposing stick.


The game was paused for some time as observers discussed whether there was some degree of advantage to having a smaller chalky bit than a bigger chalky bit. Disappointingly, this enthralling debate failed to reach a conclusion, and may indeed be revisited at a later date.


The snooker game resumed and got very exciting when one man used his stick to hit a ball around an expensive-looking table, which in turn hit other balls around the expensive-looking table and they all made a clickety-clackety noise. Then the man sat down.


Just as we thought things were dying down, the other man stood up. He approached the expensive-looking table and pulled some faces for a little while before bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and...this went on for a little while. Then he seemed to get bored with that view so went for a walk around the expensive-looking table, pulling faces, and putting some chalk on the chalky bit of his stick.


The man then, just to remind himself how his stick works, bent down to the expensive-looking table and commenced to thrust his stick back and forth across the thumb of the hand that was currently not operating his stick. Eventually he approached the white ball, bent down, and fortunately remembered how his stick works – thank goodness for that practice moments earlier. He used his stick to hit the white ball and clickety-clackety they all went again before he sat down.


Be sure to return for tomorrow’s instalment where we’ll discuss the man who licked his finger and touched the expensive-looking table


image from pixabay


Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.


The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.


'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.


'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '


However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.


'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.


'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'


STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.


'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'


Picture credit: Wix AI

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