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After struggling through an arduous and exhausting self-improvement journey that involved trying to learn new things as well as experimenting with hobbies that left him feeling highly fatigued and ultimately unfulfilled, Nathan Winters, 47, officially declared that he has reached the end of his 4-day long attempt to improve himself as a human being.




Nathan's fragmented and unfocused goals came to an abrupt conclusion last week when he had the epiphany that he should be more accepting of himself and his limitations while allowing things to take their natural course.




"I realized I was fighting a mid-life crisis, and that's why I was engaging in all these crazy and pointless activities like jogging, riding a bicycle to work, obtaining a gym membership, maintaining a balanced diet, reading books, socializing with other people, and participating in community events," Nathan confessed.




Immediately after explaining how he finally found the inner strength to throw away the self-help literature he was reading and resume the nightly consumption of alcohol that has suited him quite well for the past 25 years, Nathan made it a sincere point to add the words, "F*ck That Sh*t!"


Satisfied that his time-consuming struggle for self-actualization has finally ended with the realization that trying to change himself was the wrong thing to do, the 47-year-old happily concluded that he will make a triumphant return to being a mediocre sack of shit immediately after he wakes up on the kitchen floor of his house surrounded by crushed beer cans and half-consumed bottles of liquor.


Author W Jansen


Photo by the blowup on Unsplash


First published 30 Aug 2022



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Performing a singular activity for a man can be a tortuous exercise, particularly if his focus and concentration have been hijacked by music plumbed straight into the ears.


He’s shouting


Other than the devices on or in his ears, an obvious sign that a man is listening to music is that anything spoken is ramped up to eleven. Usually: ‘WHAT?’, ’SPEAK UP, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!’, and the patently obvious: ‘I’M LISTENING TO MUSIC!!!’ whilst pointing to his ear.


He’s zoned out


The thousand yard stare exhibited by the man listening to music is a direct effect of his concentration being occupied by the mesmeric pulses occupying his brain. Waving your hand in front of his face will have little effect. You would get a better reaction conversing with a tree stump.


He’s bumping into things


Music and motion do not readily mix with men. Whilst walking, in his mind’s eye, the man will be Axl Rose, or god forbid, Bono. He will not be paying attention to potential hazards, but the motor functions of a his brain will continue unabated until exhaustion or collision render him unconscious.


He’s emitting random high-pitched noises


Due to not being able to hear his own voice, the man listening to music will not know whether he’s producing sound or not, resulting in a series of off-key squeaks being emitted that his brain believes to be lyrics. Trying to work out what he’s listening to would keep GCHQ busy for centuries.


He can’t do anything else


Compounding the adage that men cannot multitask; a man listening to music may valiantly attempt a variety of simple tasks, but ultimately will fail. Stirring a cup of tea or using a urinal will see each activity performed in time with the beat of the music, accompanied by spasms of rudimentary drumming or air guitar, with very messy consequences.



First published 4 Aug 2022


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An individual who was born male, but transgendered to become female, has been arrested after her neighbour heard them listening to Woman’s Hour and made a police complaint.


It isn’t clear at this stage if they will be charged, or under which offence, but a BBC spokesperson told Newsbiscuit 'It should be obvious from the programme’s name that anyone who isn’t legally a woman, shouldn’t be listening to Woman's Hour.'


We asked the BBC if it had plans to broadcast a programme to cater for the interests of transgender people. A BBC spokesperson, who politely declined to say which gender they identify as, explained that the BBC had to comply with the law and its own strict equality rules. It would therefore be necessary to have separate additional programmes to cater for transgender women as well transgender men; possibly even transgender hermaphrodites. They noted that a decision has still to be made about whether a 1923 proposal for a programme called Man’s Hour can go ahead, and advised us they wouldn’t hold their breath, if they were us.



Image credit: Wix AI


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