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'I was King in another world' claims Man with a van



A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades.


We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve.


'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and needs my help,' Mr Collins says.


He insists twenty years then passed during which he joined forces with a godlike talking lion named Alan to fight an evil Ice Queen, ending up leading an army of magical creatures in a fierce battle against her forces of evil.


'We offed the Ice Queen, I was crowned King, married this well-fit princess bird and was living happily ever after until one day I wandered into a room in my palace and the wardrobe was there. I touched the door and was suddenly back in Billericay.


'Steve says I'm talking bollocks because he'd only just shot down the chippy for five minutes to get us a couple of pies for lunch. So how could all that time have passed? But it's true. Honest.'


Sipping a coffee Steve comments: 'I know Dave swears this really did happen, but as I told him at the time. Maybe lay off the wacky backy when we're at work, mate?'


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First published 31 Jul 2023


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Man Finds Inner Strength to End Self-Improvement Journey and Accept Being Sack of Sh*t




After struggling through an arduous and exhausting self-improvement journey that involved trying to learn new things as well as experimenting with hobbies that left him feeling highly fatigued and ultimately unfulfilled, Nathan Winters, 47, officially declared that he has reached the end of his 4-day long attempt to improve himself as a human being.




Nathan's fragmented and unfocused goals came to an abrupt conclusion last week when he had the epiphany that he should be more accepting of himself and his limitations while allowing things to take their natural course.




"I realized I was fighting a mid-life crisis, and that's why I was engaging in all these crazy and pointless activities like jogging, riding a bicycle to work, obtaining a gym membership, maintaining a balanced diet, reading books, socializing with other people, and participating in community events," Nathan confessed.




Immediately after explaining how he finally found the inner strength to throw away the self-help literature he was reading and resume the nightly consumption of alcohol that has suited him quite well for the past 25 years, Nathan made it a sincere point to add the words, "F*ck That Sh*t!"


Satisfied that his time-consuming struggle for self-actualization has finally ended with the realization that trying to change himself was the wrong thing to do, the 47-year-old happily concluded that he will make a triumphant return to being a mediocre sack of shit immediately after he wakes up on the kitchen floor of his house surrounded by crushed beer cans and half-consumed bottles of liquor.


Author W Jansen


Photo by the blowup on Unsplash


First published 30 Aug 2022



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He’s shouting, and four other signs a man is listening to music




Performing a singular activity for a man can be a tortuous exercise, particularly if his focus and concentration have been hijacked by music plumbed straight into the ears.


He’s shouting


Other than the devices on or in his ears, an obvious sign that a man is listening to music is that anything spoken is ramped up to eleven. Usually: ‘WHAT?’, ’SPEAK UP, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!’, and the patently obvious: ‘I’M LISTENING TO MUSIC!!!’ whilst pointing to his ear.


He’s zoned out


The thousand yard stare exhibited by the man listening to music is a direct effect of his concentration being occupied by the mesmeric pulses occupying his brain. Waving your hand in front of his face will have little effect. You would get a better reaction conversing with a tree stump.


He’s bumping into things


Music and motion do not readily mix with men. Whilst walking, in his mind’s eye, the man will be Axl Rose, or god forbid, Bono. He will not be paying attention to potential hazards, but the motor functions of a his brain will continue unabated until exhaustion or collision render him unconscious.


He’s emitting random high-pitched noises


Due to not being able to hear his own voice, the man listening to music will not know whether he’s producing sound or not, resulting in a series of off-key squeaks being emitted that his brain believes to be lyrics. Trying to work out what he’s listening to would keep GCHQ busy for centuries.


He can’t do anything else


Compounding the adage that men cannot multitask; a man listening to music may valiantly attempt a variety of simple tasks, but ultimately will fail. Stirring a cup of tea or using a urinal will see each activity performed in time with the beat of the music, accompanied by spasms of rudimentary drumming or air guitar, with very messy consequences.



First published 4 Aug 2022


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