Jake Paul to Fight Ghost of Joe Louis

In an attempt to legitimise his step into professional boxing, YouTube star Jake Paul has revealed his next fight shall be against the man widely revered as the greatest boxer of all time; former world champion, the late Joe Louis.

Speaking after his points win over the 58-year-old Mike Tyson, the 27-year-old said he now looked to cement his legacy through fights with all the heavyweight greats, telling us, 'My management team have got a plan: Louis, Marciano, then Ali, all through a mixture of AI and representation via seance. I'm going to take all of them in my stride. My career should have been ended by me appearing with dead people back in 2018 during that visit to Japan, so, like the Ghostbusters used to say, I ain't afraid of no ghost!"

Like his last fight, Texas has already sanctioned the matchup, despite The Brown Bomber being 111-years-old; and dead for the last 43. Colonel Stacey Haymaker, head of State's Boxing Council, gave an explanation at the post-Tyson fight Press Conference, telling everyone, "Jake will be fighting a Holographic depiction controlled by a top psychic channelling the former Heavyweight Champion. Yes, we know there's room for accusations of fight fixing, and this risks throwing an even darker shadow over professional boxing, but the match already carries more credit than fights promoted by Don King."

The match is scheduled for April 2025, once a medium can persuade Louis to leave heaven's golf courses and start training.

image from pixabay

Posh YouTubers solve cost of living crisis by not shopping at Waitrose

A pair of upper class YouTube stars are being hailed as heroes after devising an ingenious method for money saving during a time of financial instability for many families. Coining it ‘LowWaitrose’, their suggestion is that struggling households can save important pennies by limiting how much they shop at Waitrose supermarkets. In a new video the pair described this trick with their distinctly Etonian accents:

‘It’s a universal feeling to enjoy a good Waitrose shop, but we actually saved money by getting our groceries from places other than Waitrose - a huge life hack I’m not sure many families are aware of. It will still be there for your essential grocery items, like a Duck Parfait or Truffle Oil, but we think limiting your Waitrose exposure could really make a dent in this cost of living crisis. We even came across this niche German supermarket called Lidl and let me tell you the mini-pizzas are sublime.’

The online stars then went on to describe how even though they personally didn’t need to change their shopping habits, they understand how many people are affected by the soaring food prices.

‘While we can more than afford to get a Waitrose Finest Bronze Turkey on a regular basis, we understand how for so many people that dream has become really difficult. You should really be in the loop about a place called Sainsbury’s, even though you might not find us shopping there.’

On social media the YouTubers hinted that in their next video they would be tackling the NHS waiting lists by using Private Healthcare.

image from pixabay

YouTuber accused of intentionally crashing plane headhunted for senior Government role

The Government has responded to claims that they've scouting someone for a ministerial post who intentionally crashed a plane.

'Yes, we were a little worried that he might have done it intentionally,' said a Government spokesperson, 'but as the old adage goes: think incompetence before malice, but never rule out malice...and we've adopted that as our recruitment strategy.

'If he'd crashed the plane by mistake and made oodles of money for himself after parachuting down unharmed, we'd definitely be tapping him up for a Cabinet position. If it was intentional, well, he'll still fit right in at the heart of UK Government.

'The only problem is deciding what department to put him in: the economy, the NHS, education...his talents suit all of them but where would he be perfect? Oh wait, I know...Brexit!'