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Award ceremonies to be more inclusive by making everyone a winner

In attempt to combat accusations of skills bias; the Oscars are planning to award prizes to every person with a selfie-stick. The short-list for Best Actor 2016 has now extended to include 1.4bn people of dubious talent, although a disproportionate number of the nominees are now teenage girls called ‘Harper’.

An Academy spokesman explained: ‘It shouldn’t matter who was the best. Or even if you entered the competition. We’re all beautiful. We all deserve an Oscar. And when everyone wins, bigotry will disappear. Except in the case of Tarantino. His films are still overly long and properly racist’.

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