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Boris allowed to organise opening of pubs – but not piss-ups in breweries.

Unfortunately, Mr Johnson’s track record on planning is patchy; be it planning to not build a bridge or not-planning for family planning. His haphazard management style might suit an improvising jazz trio but is probably best not applied during a global pandemic. So chaotic is Mr. Johnson, that he gives supernovas a bad name.

A friend acknowledged: ‘Not only would Boris struggle to run a whelk stand, he’d likely lose the stand in an EU negotiation, call all whelks slimy, foreign b$stards and then try to impregnant a lobster from a neighbouring stand. And all of it in Latin’.

This follows a significant relaxing of lockdown rules, with 2m distancing to be downgraded to ‘no tongues’. Naturally the British public are uneasy receiving scientific guidance, from a man who looks like he struggles to understand how a comb works. He insisted however, that he would be applying the same levels of rigorous research as he had over Brexit. Citizens are advised to say goodbye to loved ones now.

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