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Bricklayers rejoice, as Trump elected

The election of President Trump is not just a victory for orange people everywhere but an overwhelming mandate for those in the wall-building industry or Muslims who never wanted to visit the US. At last Americans can 'grab pussies' with impunity and have a gun in every cereal box.

He also promised to reduce the stigma of fathers marrying their daughters, when pressed Mr. Trump was unclear as to whom this policy was designed for, but he heralded the new scream-resistant glass installed in The White House as an unmitigated success. At the time of the campaign many had found Mr Trump’s election slogan ‘Daddy gets, what Daddy wants’ as somewhat cryptic, as opposed to his more pointed - ‘Make daughters gyrate again’. Meanwhile the Canadian immigration website has crashed, after thousands of spam logins all registered under the name ‘Ivanka’. His spokesman explained: ‘Current polls still suggest a majority of the American public disapprove of incest – but you know how wrong these polls can be’.

The US itself will naturally be rebranded as ‘Trump States™’; with a topless golf resort covering most of the mid-west. In his first few days he is expected to repeal Obama-care, replacing it with the less socially inclusive 'Who Cares?' He will also eliminate debt, cut taxes and increase military spending - by simply redefining basic arithmetic.

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