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Captain Tom must do laps of his garden 24/7 to fully fund the NHS.




With the gap in hospital funding said to run into billions, Captain Tom will need spend his whole time competing in track and field events – which may be the closest we get to the Olympics this year. He will also be asked to do keepy uppys to pay for schools, burpees to fund social care and iron-man triathlons to pay for Jacob Rees Mogg’s wine cellar.




 





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