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Chris Whitty loses his shit and puts two men in hospital

Updated: Jul 7, 2021

It was amazing,’ said an eye-witness. ‘One minute they were taunting him: pushing him around and taking selfies as they held him in choke holds. The next, he let out a bullish roar and punched them in the chest. One clown ended up in a skip and the other hit the side of a bus. Respect due.’

But what can have caused this response from erstwhile mild-mannered, soft-spoken Chief Medical Officer? A Dept of Health insider confided that he was accidentally scratched on the hand by Priti Patel a couple of weeks ago. He believes some of her nanobots entered his bloodstream and have now reproduced to a concentration that he is developing superpowers.

‘I saw him photoshopping his face onto a picture of the Hulk the other day. We’re now calling him Two Jabs round the office … when he is out of earshot, obviously.’

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