top of page

Coldplay acquisition of Mr. Whippy in meltdown

Sources in the City of London have indicated the multi-million pound takeover of ice-cream purveyors Mr. Whippy by dinner-party pop princes Coldplay, is in full meltdown.

After responsibly ending touring to reduce their impact on the planet’s mental health, the band, well singer/songwriter Chris Martin, is now witnessing society open-up to allow live performances in front of large crowds and is feeling a bit left out. It is believed this yearning for a return to mass exposure was the catalyst for the band, well Chris, to launch a ferocious buyout bid to secure Whippy and its extensive fleet of ice-cream vans.

Spokesperson for the band, Tom Goldsmith, explained: ‘Ice cream sellers have traditionally attracted customers to their vans with catchy tunes, like: Colonel Bogey, Greensleeves, and the Captain Pugwash sea shanty everyone tries to jig to when pissed. The band, well Chris, thought they could broadcast their music from Whippy’s vans, albeit in a non-lyrical jingle form, to hundreds of thousands of people who would otherwise choose not to listen, but are forced to because they want an ice-cream.”

Music wasn’t the only thing Coldplay wanted to give the public a taste of; Maurice Barr, publicist for Mr. Whippy, added: “It further transpired, the band, well Chris; being in competition with ex-wife, Gwyneth, wanted to sell his own brand of vegan ice cream, with flavours like: ‘This Tastes Like My Vagina But With A Flake In It’ and ‘This Ice-Cream Is Organic And Green, But Not As Green As My All-Consuming Envy’. The board at Whippy were none too pleased, the takeover was off.

According to sources in the City: the band, well Chris: despite biting-off more Whippy than he can chew, suffering financial brain-freeze, and having rejection sauce dripping off his chin, is next planning a buyout of Royal Mail. Subject to the ability of posties to whistle a dreary tune, of course.

4 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Microsoft presses big red ctrl/alt/del button

An overzealous intern at Microsoft has crashed the internet, after looking for the button that switches on the aircon. Upon spying a big red button, Michaela Spark (24) plunged the world into IT chaos


bottom of page