Much to the surprise of cartographers and pasty lovers, the EU has confirmed that ‘the bit that stops Devon getting too wet’ is not just a fairy story, told to children to warn about the perils of a dairy-rich diet. Contrary to popular belief and tax-returns, Cornwall is actually populated by indigenous bipeds, whose DNA comprises of 38% whortleberry pie and gerty milk.
Along with Brigadoon, Social Equality and the G-spot, Cornwall was previously thought to be an imaginary locale – declared a Duchy by George III during one of his less lucid moments. Cornish folklore (or ‘Ye olde Tourist Trap’) refers to a lost world situated at the heart of Earth's clotted cream core, with twee mythic creatures drunk on cider.
European rules will grant the Cornish people minority status and all the same rights as other small mammals. A spokesman confirmed: ‘The Cornish will gain the same status as other Celtic communities – with their own embarrassing Eurovision entry, spurious Scrabble words and absence from World Cup football finals.’