Rusty, a three-year-old Yorkshire terrier from Esher, has confirmed that he is now completely convinced of his intrinsic moral decency. The breakthrough came after his owner, Hannah Morrison, 43, had repeatedly assured him he was ‘a good boy, a good boy, a good caking GOOD GOOD goooooood boy’.
‘Trust me, I’m up to speed on this one,’ said Rusty. ‘I freely admit I’m not very bright – the highlights of my day are licking that cocker spaniel from down the road’s pee from off a leaf and the erection I get when I crank out a particularly steamy turd, but I could hardly not be aware of this one after hearing her tell me I’m a ‘lover-ly LOVER-LY little tinker’ at least five times a day every day since she ripped me off my mum’s teats in that nice warm barn. FFS.’
During Morrison’s period of ownership, Rusty’s basic goodness and cleverness levels have continued to rise almost uninterruptedly. Starting out as a ‘little tiny stinky bundle of cuddles’, by the end of his first three months he had attained ‘oooeeeez such a BRIGHT little sausage’ status. Although she could no longer ‘eat him all up’ by the time he was fully grown, Morrison remains convinced that he is her ‘perfect little dog-alog-alog-alog’.
‘Sometimes I’ve wondered if she was just saying it all just to make herself believe it,’ admitted Rusty. ‘So, I tried, in so far as one who greets his friends by licking their bottoms is capable of evaluating such abstract philosophical concepts as good and evil, to test if any empirical evidence to the contrary would shake her certainties, but they didn’t, so it must be true. I didn’t shag those curtains for fun, you know.’
The breakthrough in communication that has shown Rusty to be a good boy is being hailed as a giant step in biology, especially since Morrison is now holding a dog chew above his head and asking ‘Ooooeeeez a greedy, greedy little mutt? A GREEDY little MUTT’, while he lies there alternately whimpering, barking and dragging his groin across the kitchen floor.
‘Actually, I’d prefer some day-old rabbit droppings,’ added Rusty, ‘but you don’t like to disappoint people, do you?’