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A 30 year old woman was today praised for getting a small, fluffy, white dog, despite still intending to go on and have children. She bought the Pomeranian, popular with various shades of female who have all but given up on even starting to attempt the arduous slog of finding a male capable of being relied upon, from a breeder renowned for padding out the modern lives of the anxious with dependable love.


The dog, which she has tentatively named, Strongandwontletmedown, apparently had no idea that its role was to be that of a companion rather than fetus substitute. ‘Little Strongandwontletmedown is yapping away for all the world as if I’m going to be one of those sorry sights pushing a dog down the street in a pram. I am not,’ she emphasized with just a tinge of evolving bitterness.


Strongandwontletmedown is a white a Pomeranian, a comparatively rare colour in the bloodline. Commentators are expressing fears that this extra level of pure cuteness may .distract the owner from the urge to motherhood. ‘She’s going to get a lot of positive attention on the street,’ said one male serial monogamist familiar with letting down women between the ages of 29 and 35. ‘The constant praise of Strongandwontletmedown’s beauty is inevitably going to mislead the woman into believing she had some genetic role in the dog’s looks and health. I’m worried that when Strongandwontletmedown dies she may move onto cats.’


‘I’ve seen it all before,’ said another tinder jockey. ‘Woman gets dog, says dog is not kid substitute, woman eventually dyes hair orange.’ But others are offering support. ‘By saying she can raise a dog and aspire to produce a human child she’s breaking new ground in the fight for something or other,’ it is thought a few female academics may have postulated. Meanwhile a mother of a teen on Mumsnet simply said, ‘I’ll swap.’


image from pixabay


John Knotley is of a certain age where funerals among his peers are arising more often than weddings. For at least two friends the overriding sentiment has been ‘at least they died doing what they loved’, where one was killed in a rock climbing fall, and another dropped dead on the golf course.


John Is determined to avoid a terminal interruption to his existence while he is engaged in an activity he loathes. 'Although I wouldn’t be around to hear it, how awful for friends and relatives to be saying, ‘Oh what a shame he couldn’t have been in his favourite armchair watching The Repair Shop.’ Instead, I’ve keeled over pulling sodding weeds from that sodding garden.'


John has taken some measures to alleviate the possibility of such a disaster occurring, including installing a defibrillator on the outside of the garden shed. He also has a very long extending lead when out walking the dog. 'My daughter’s. She lives in a flat now, so I’m lumbered with walking the thing. So I do a few yards and leave the mutt to do the rest. Bloody tragedy if I popped my clogs doing that.'


When asked what his ultimate demise might be, John told us, 'Unlikely, but if those tributes could sound something like, ‘At least John died doing what he loved, although it must have been a terrible shock for Taylor Swift.’ '


Picture credit: Wix AI

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