Dog-walker despondent about ever finding corpse
Project manager Jerry Cunningham (37) has been walking his pointer / spaniel cross for almost two years now, with no sign of a dead body.
‘Get a dog, they all said. Start your own murder podcast. He’s costing me a fortune in Pedigree Chum’.
Cunningham has traversed the West Midlands, using every weekend and the lighter summer nights, hitting all the well-known body-dump sites with his dog, Watson. He was “devastated” to learn of the gangland-style killing of a drug dealer in Smethwick – the body was dumped in a field near his home but it was his darts night and he hadn’t been out.
‘I might have to murder one myself’ Cunningham told reporters in his depressing Birmingham accent. ‘But knowing my luck another dog-walker would find the body while I was disposing of the murder weapon’.
It is estimated that up to 80% of murders are committed by disappointed dog-walkers. A spokesman for the Kennel Club told NewsBiscuit ‘Corpse-hunting is a fun hobby but it does require patience. Finding a genuine one is a public service but we must discourage dog-owners in fairly strong terms from stepping over the line into actual murder. In any event we can not condone the use of crossbreeds to locate corpses – whether it’s one you’ve offed yourself or a genuine find, the Kennel Club’s position is that pedigree dogs make the best corpse-hounds’.
Cunningham is contemplating switching from dog-walking to either treasure-hunting or sex with prostitutes. ‘If anybody wants to swap a metal detector for a dog, or if any prossies out there would like a pointer / spaniel cross, just hit me up on Facebook’, he told journalists. ‘How many goes would I get for a dog, do you think? I could throw in some Pedigree Chum'.
image from pixabay