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Dominic Raab planning to invade Europe from his Li-Lo

Following the government's successful orderly withdrawal from Afghanistan, planned from holiday beaches adorned by Prime Minister Johnson and Foreign Secretary Raab, the government has confirmed that military decisions are in future to be taken while on holiday.

'The pressure and typically abysmal lighting in war rooms just creates a morose atmosphere, leading to rush decisions involving troops, whereas considering deploying soldiers while enjoying happy hour on a sun-kissed beach helps put everything into perspective,' said a spokesman for the Foreign Secretary.

'So we thought "f@*k it, let's just travel to tourist destinations and chill while we determine the appropriate action to take when our interests are attacked, or our allies do us over.' He confirmed that pushing the nuclear button would feel 'much more fun while sipping pina coladas'.

Opposition MPs reluctantly agreed that there's no point in Raab being the Foreign Secretary unless he is permanently overseas. 'Might as well be on permanent holiday, for all the use he is,' said one MP.

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