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Haters Hating now a Hate Crime

Over 50% of UK policing is focused on combating social media meanness, aggressive emoticons and anyone dissing Kanye West. A phone line is already installed specifically for the needs of weepy teenagers who feel that their Instagram page has insufficient ‘likes’. Correctional facilities will re-educate snarky hashtaggers, with inspirational quotes about kittens and a ten bullet-point plan to combat unnecessary Facebook lists.

One distraught internet user said: ‘I once experienced a twenty-page thread about who was better – Dr Who or Ghandi. Well, duh?!? Tennant or Mahatma? Only one of those is uber-skinny, has fought for world peace and has seen Billie Piper doing it with a Dalek’.

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