How to get that Russian-Ultra beach body.
Ever wondered how Moscow’s finest hooligans look so ripped, as they rip through the opposition? Ever wanted a tear-gas inspired six-pack without the tears? Here are our ten easy steps to goose-step through the Euros.
1) Have a balanced diet – of racism and steroids.
2) Burn fat (and flares) – but get a good night’s sleep while in custody.
3) Build up your muscles - by thumping a drink-sodden England fan.
4) Try jogging – while pursed by French riot police.
5) Cut down on refined carbs – remember not everything ultra-white is good for you.
…and participate in sports – and by ‘participate’, we mean ‘completely ignore’…unless it’s kick-boxing.
Above all else - stay positive. Don’t get disheartened by your team’s poor performance. Just put on a smile (under your balaclava) and sing a happy song – about murdering Ukrainians or LGBT activists.
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Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours