In a carefully worded statement, a sullen masked gunman declared: ‘We reject Western Imperialism, the works of Bing Crosby and we don’t believe in Santa. These executions are about establishing a caliphate and nothing to do with us getting a ‘Skate and Sing Elsa’ when we specifically asked for an ‘Interactive Tracy Island Play set’.
The terrorists allegedly spent much of Boxing Day sulkily watching re-runs of the ‘Vicar of Dibley’, wearing an all-black onesie, complaining about cheap mince pies and an aversion to turkey crackling. Historians point to the region’s decade of instability but others say that the religious fundamentalists were just being a ‘d@ck’ about refusing to wear a party hat. One expert said: ‘It’s almost like they’ve never heard of a Satsuma in a stocking or the songs of Slade. Anyone would think that they didn’t celebrate Christmas at all.’