iPhone dependent Michael Potter has spoken of a bizarre ‘human-like experience’ today, when a delay in his download of iOS 7 to his iPhone 5 left him perilously exposed to the real world, with no operating system, for nearly 24-hours.
‘Normally I just stare at a wall from two-inches away with a blank expression in-between operating systems, but this time something different happened’, explained the now half-man, half-phone. ‘I discovered a world free of digital assistance, where friends are a physical reality. Although it turns out I don’t have nearly as many as my Facebook app suggests. I also discovered my mum passed away a couple of years ago. If only I had my bereavement app’.
Professor Robert Winston, who has based his latest studies around the dependency modern humans have on technology, said: ‘Out-of-phone experiences are very rare and can be extremely distressing and confusing. To find yourself in a tangible, 3D environment with no widgets available for assistance can be daunting, but, as in Michael’s case, it can sometimes prove quite enlightening’.
‘I feel free. Isn’t this sunset just beautiful?’, added Michael, who went for a long, inspiring walk along the seafront with a dog he didn’t realise he owned. ‘I don’t need an app to tell me when I need a shit anymore, I can just go whenever and wherever I want; like right now, if I want to. I don’t want my friends and family to worry; I’m adapting really well. Now, can anybody tell me how I charge this dog up?’
By Jesus H