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Joe Biden '100% fit to be re-elected Prime Minister of Belgium'

In a press conference designed to allay fears about President Biden’s diminished capacities, he boldly declared that he was '100% fit to be re-elected Prime Minister of Belgium'.

He added that despite his age, he was having no problem keeping up with a demanding campaign schedule taking him all over the country.

'In the past few days alone, I’ve visited Caracas, Lagos and Tokyo,' he explained, 'and met many of my fellow Haitians.'

'I admit I was a little confused when my dead son showed up. Or was it the one who should be in prison? He brought cake anyway, which was nice.'

At this point, the nurse came in and told him he’d been daydreaming about his time as president again. As she poured his cocoa, she said that her parents had often told her about the golden age before the second Trump presidency and consequent nuclear war, though she herself was too young to remember the days when it was safe to go outdoors.

'Still, you shouldn’t blame yourself for not stepping down. I certainly don’t. I only spit in your food every day because it’s good for you.'

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