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Official singles chart to count high-pitched screaming

While tinnitus remains the industry-standard format with which to experience the Top 40, sales are also linked to a complicated algorithm of teenage squeals of delight, fainting and poster kissing. Screams generated by having ice cubes dropped down your shorts will not count towards single sales; neither will roller coaster rides, paper cuts or waking up next to Ed Miliband.

However, some scientists are concerned that screams of frustration rather than joy could propel certain songs up the chart. One audio technician explained: ‘Listening to Gary Barlow can sometimes mimic the feeling you have when a pocket tissue enters your laundry cycle and covers everything in lint’.

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