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‘Oh good, another referendum’ says UK

Nicola Sturgeon is to seek second opportunity to waste money and breath, by debating something we were told two years ago was a once in a lifetime decision. Speaking in Edinburgh astride Greyfriars Bobby, Mrs Sturgeon laid out her vision of daily referenda until Scotland achieves Independence or her parents capitulate and buy her a pony.

Trending as #indyref2-WTF and riding a wave of apathy, Mrs Sturgeon hopes to inspire voters with her economic vision of solar-powered tartan. Voters are advised to queue to avoid disappointment and to avoid greater disappointment by spoiling their ballot.

Observed one depressed MP: ‘We’re too cowardly to make our own decisions. Rather than – oh, I don’t know – winning a national election, we prefer to spam the electorate with Survey Monkey and a Magic Eight Ball’. Said one voter, holding a shotgun to his mouth: ‘Fantastic! Another vote. Look how well the last ones turned out’.

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