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Outrage as Mother Theresa sainted before Diana

Daily Express readers have been frothing at the mouth and tearing at their hospital restraints in frustration, that 'some flighty piece of skirt' from India will be canonized ahead of the Angel of Knightsbridge. Sadly 'England's Rose' has been eclipsed by 'Macedonia's Dungwort', a nun who spent most of life dressed as Yoda and winner of 'Calcutta's walnut lookalike' competition four years in a row.

There are various miracles attributed to Diana during her life; including the miracle of getting away with a George Michael perm, the miracle of being a millionaire despite failing her O-levels twice and the miracle of hiding the identity of Harry's parentage. Also in a recent poll on a dating site for unmarried lepers, Diana still came out on top of '...person I would most like to shake hands with...if only my fingers didn't keep dropping off'.

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