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Pandas are f$ck machines

It is official, pandas are off the endangered list and back on Tinder. After years of conservation and bucket loads of lube, China has declared that their ‘furry f$ck monsters’ are back in the saddle and ‘ready to party’.

Until recently, Chinese zoologists had run out of ideas on how to get pandas to mate; from goth erotica to sensuous nights with Robert Smith. Yet none of it worked, proving The Cure is worse than the disease. Finally, they hit upon the idea of not watching the pandas having sex and suddenly, freed the shackles of scientific voyeurism, the pandas lost all their inhibitions.

One Chinese scientist explained: ‘We also needed to regenerate their natural habitat, which it turns out is a circular waterbed, draped in silk, with a mirrored ceiling. The pandas asked us to put some bamboo back into our forests, so they could ‘put some wood’ into theirs. Now they’re swinging all over the place and we don’t mean from the trees.’

Officially there are 1,800 pandas living in the wild - and boy, are they living it wild. Forests are now filled with the sound of rutting pandas and Barry White. Asked why he had started procreating, one panda replied: ‘Well, I just thought, if Matt Hancock could do it, so can I’.

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